ITHACA, NY-A bipartisan compromise was reached in the House of Representatives for the national budget, leaving millions of Americans in shock and disbelief. However, the Cornell Democrats and Republicans are also reaching across party lines to dispel any rumors of agreement in the House. “I can tell you this, they did not agree on anything,” stated Cornell Democrats President Leah Jones ‘14. “They simply disagreed to agree to disagree. There’s a difference.”
Cornell Republicans President Andrew Smith ‘15 explained further: “[Speaker John] Boehner suggested that the House agree to disagree and call it a day. Naturally, both parties refused to agree, and now the liberal media is calling it a ‘compromise.’”
The bill, which includes both not enough and too many spending cuts, is unlikely to pass in the Senate. “If there’s one thing the Senate will agree on, it’s that they simply cannot agree with the House’s disagreement about agreeing to disagree,” said Smith However, Cornellians should keep a positive outlook. When asked to comment about Smith’s statement, Jones simply replied: “I disagree.”
ITHACA, NY-Wines Expert Jeffrey Lerman ‘14 is on a mission to remove boxed wine from all Cornell parties. “Boxed wine is too earthy. The vintage is too oaky,” he claims. Lerman, whose wine expertise includes recently receiving a 75 on his Introduction to Wines final, demands that “enough is enough.” “Boxed wine has no legs, no nose, and no body,” he added. “It’s literally a smelling-challenged, detached head,” Lerman proclaimed, as he chuckled pretentiously to himself.
Lerman recommends that partygoers experiment with their palate while out with friends. “Anybody can slap the bag, but the educated oenophile prefers to slap the 2006 Russian River Valley Pinot Noir.” When asked to elaborate on the recommendation, Lerman flipped through flashcards and deemed the wine “full,” “herbaceous,” and “jammy.” “To be honest, I’m don’t really remember anything about the Pinot. Those were the answers I guessed on the test. That’s okay though, I only needed a 70 to pass.”
Nonetheless, Lerman feels strongly about ending boxed wine once and for all. Continuing to flip through seemingly alphabetized flash cards, Lerman lambasted boxed wine for being too “cloying,” “coarse,” and “cash flow insolvency,” adding that “Franzia clearly lacks liquidity to pay debts as they fall due.” Lerman immediately corrected himself, noting that the final flash card was from his financial accounting studying and was not supposed to be with the wines cards.
ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re getting into.”
Palmer noted several serious health violations in his justification for the downgrade. “We have reason to believe the fishbowls were actually previously used as home aquariums, and still may contain remnants of actual habitation by aquatic pets.”
Palmer believes that Wednesday nights are the most dangerous to the public health. Palmer stated. “It’s really difficult to remember which straw is yours. And who knows where those plastic dinosaurs have been? It’s just unsanitary,” he added.
Palmer assured us that the C rating was not too harsh. He said that the worst health risk was the crowdedness, which makes it easy to spread diseases such as mono, typhus, or the common cold. When a CU Nooz correspondent asked Palmer if turning away freshman girls with fake IDs at the door would alleviate crowdedness, he replied: “Oh no, that’s a terrible idea. Nobody wants that. Quit being a cockblock.”
ITHACA, NY- Senior Mike Greensmith woke up at 3:00 am this morning in a cold sweat, confused and flustered by a recurring dream he has experienced over the past month.”It’s the same thing every time,” Greensmith ’14 told CU Nooz, “I’m walking around campus eating this tub of potato salad-I don’t know why- and then I realize I’m three hours late to a final, so I start running. But it’s a dream so I run really slowly, you know? Then I finally get to the lecture hall and everyone turns and stares at me. Also the professor is played by Hugh Grant. Like it’s not Hugh Grant, it’s him playing my professor, like in a movie, but it’s a dream. Yeah so anyway, then I realize I’m not wearing pants, but I go and sit down anyway. And I look at my test and it’s in French, but that’s weird because I’m an Bio major. But then I’m like, oh, shit, I guess I’m actually a French poetry major. And then my whole family is standing there too. And there just all like ‘Michael, if you don’t pass Hugh Grant’s final French exam, you can’t graduate college’ Oh and the lecture hall is also, like, full of jello, but…” Greensmith continued explaining the dream for another 22 minutes, then spent another 15 minutes discussing what he things “it all means and stuff.” At press time Greensmith had fallen back asleep.
ITHACA, NY- Josh Erikson ‘14, who was deciding between applying to medical school or continuing his 7-year streak working as a counselor at Brentwoods sleepaway, ultimately decided the latter would be “much more chill.” After being selected group leader last summer, Josh reportedly felt like he had a really strong future with the camp.
“I was just so much more mature than everyone – it’s like they’re all freshman or high schoolers or something,” he laughed. Erikson explains that he initially became a counselor following the final possible year he could be a camper at Brentwoods. “It just made sense that I would continue going there. They said it would be impossible to replace my spirit during color war.”
Will Creighton, director of Brentwoods, said of Erikson, “We’re glad to have Josh back again. He’s always been so enthusiastic about us.” When asked if there were other employees with similar backgrounds, Creighton explained, “it’s unusual for us to have someone come back after they’ve graduated. Most people get more typical jobs, but for some, the real world can be a scary place.” Josh’s salary of just over $2,000 will be supplemented by an allowance from his parents.
All studying will officially be cancelled as of 1:45pm on Monday, according to an email sent out to the Cornell community from the Office of the Provost:
“We understand that Study Week and Finals are very important. But the accumulation of almost 2 inches of snow has put an unbearable burden on our maintenance staff. They just simply do not have the equipment or the experience in dealing with this much snow.”
“We have also determined it is in the best interest of our student body to not risk walking to the library in such adverse weather conditions, as such a heavy accumulation of snow can mean unpredictable sidewalk conditions.”
In an attempt to keep the student body safe, students are encouraged to stay inside, drink hot chocolate and watch Netflix, and are officially forbidden to engage in any form of schoolwork whatsoever.
“If you need to go outside, only do so if you are trying to play in the snow.”
“We really are thinking on our feet here,” the email concluded. “If we need to cancel finals week altogether and give everyone A’s, then we’ll do just that. Stay warm.”
ITHACA- Due to the recent success of Cornell Store’s new eatery, Café Jennie, the building’s dining area will be expanded into an entire suburban-mall-style food court next semester. The installment will include a variety of worldly cuisine including a Panda Express, Arby’s, Cinnabon, Sbarro, and another Arby’s. “No one really ever came to the Cornell store after o-week until we opened the café. The next logical step was to open more places to eat in the same building,” explained store manager Emily Laurence.
Laurence assured CU Nooz of the authenticity of the food court, noting that students can look forward to uncomfortable seating, poor lighting, and 1980’s decor once the project is complete. Overall students seem excited about this new development. “The food court seems like a great place to shamefully eat a corn dog, or for homeless people to go to the bathroom,” noted Sophomore Jenny Garman. However, others are apprehensive about the project. Junior Luke Haber ‘14 told CU Nooz he’s “really disappointed in the lack of variety of dining on campus,” adding, “unless they can promise a Dippin’ Dots machine, a Chick-fil-A, and one of those weird overpriced smoothie bar kiosk things right in the center, I’ll probably only eat at there a few times a week.”
After evaluating the many lucrative opportunities available to AEM majors, Dyson School freshman Jessica Stern decided it was time to let Goldman Sachs know she was ready to intern over the summer at the Wall Street conglomerate. While Goldman has a strict policy against allowing inexperienced freshmen to intern for them, Jessica believes the skills she’s learned so far in one semester classes like Spreadsheet Modeling AEM 2200 and Management Communication AEM 2700 provide her with more business knowledge than most sophomores, “or may I dare to say, some juniors in Arts.” She claims Dyson is “like Wharton, but at Cornell, actually, maybe even better than Wharton, yea, better than Wharton.” Jessica believes her three months experience working at her local arcade/bowling alley back home has provided her with the skills to “effectively manage” and see “financial trends in specific pockets of the economy.”
Another strong point Jessica brings to the table is that if Goldman is foolish enough to pass on the best financial analyst in a “generation,” she’s sure other banks like “B of A” and “JPM” would love to have her at their respective firms.
ITHACA, NY- Crossing between the statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D White, on a date with Tami Carr ’15 Saturday evening, Louis Owens 16’ was surprised to see the two statues stand up, stroll towards one another, and shake hands in the middle of the arts quad.
“This is ridiculous” Owens reportedly stated with a laugh.
Sources say that the ceremony, which only occurs when a virgin crosses between the two statues at exactly midnight, is a way for the founders to congratulate each other on the chastity of Cornell’s students.
“Oh man, these cooky statues think one of us is a virgin.” Owens said to Carr. “I bet they feel pretty silly now that they realize that both of us have had sex… and are completely competent…sexually…You can go sit back down now statues!”
As of press time, Carr was not responding to Owens’ texts.
ITHACA, NY-The 11:00am rush at the Trillium food court is a scene well known to the student body, rife with eager students clamoring to fit a meal into their busy schedules. But this Tuesday, simple impatience unraveled into environmental catastrophe, when Duncan McMahon ’15 maliciously and intentionally threw his compostable spoon into the recycling bin with the rest of his yogurt parfait.
Eyewitnesses watched as McMahon committed this unforgivable crime against Mother Earth, ignoring the screams and yells of “Don’t do it!” and “Oh, the humanity!” from passersby. In a stress-filled haste (McMahon had recently received a poor grade on his Environmental Science prelim), Duncan heinously dropped the dangling spoon into the blue receptacle instead of the yellow one as shocked and tearful onlookers watched.
McMahon told CU Nooz, “I’m usually pretty good about what I do with my garbage. Normally at lunch I’ll be like everyone else and spend the at least fifteen minutes figuring out which of my plates, plasticware and other containers go in the recycling, compost or landfill bins. But today I just couldn’t take it.”
McMahon awaits legal charges from the EPA and is expected to leave Cornell within the next month out of shame for his actions.