ITHACA-Senior Eric Scaley found himself in hot water this morning after accidentally referring to an interviewer as ‘Mom’ during a final-round for a position at a prestigious consulting firm. The interview reportedly began smoothly, until recruiter Jen Ellison, remarked that she was impressed with Scaley’s resume. Scaley eagerly replied “Thanks, Mom!” followed by 15 seconds of deafeningly awkward silence. Scaley attempted to recover by discussing his extracurriculars and previous internships, but the damage had already been done.
Although mild-mannered, Scaley is notorious for such missteps including referring to his Stats professor as “Dad,” and telling a Rebecca Olivers ‘14 “I love you” after hooking up once at a party. As of press time, Scaley has not received a job offer.
ITHACA-While visiting campus earlier this week, 18-year-old Jacob Goldstein was confident that his Early Decision application to Cornell would be accepted. However, despite his self-assurance and newly acquired standing as an adult, the Scarsdale High School senior simply could not restrain himself from chuckling when his tour guide welcomed the group to “Ho Plaza”.
“I couldn’t believe it” stated a very disappointed Mr. Goldstein, a reputable dentist in the Scarsdale area. “We thought we raised Jacob better than this,” he added as he comforted his wife, Barbara. According to witnesses, the entire group laughed when the news of Goldstein’s outburst spread, leading to the further embarrassment of the Goldstein family.
When asked for an explanation, Goldstein responded: “I really just had never heard the name of the place said out loud before. See, a ‘ho’ is usually a female with presumably loose morals.” It was immediately explained to Goldstein that everyone got the joke, just no one thought it was funny, and the family promptly departed towards the Statler Hotel.
ITHACA, NY – Cornell administrators were shocked after learning that the entire campus has sunk an estimated 2.67 inches into the ground after the end of Thanksgiving break. Scientists believe that the disaster was caused by students who “disgustingly over-consumed” over the past week.
“I haven’t really noticed any changes around campus” remarked John Clemens ’14, who has resorted to using an electric scooter to travel across the arts quad.
Gannett supervisor Janet Smith blames the holiday season, citing that festive dinners, coupled with the Freshman 15, are “an unstoppable force too powerful to be controlled by mortal beings”. Smith excitedly announced that Gannett would be offering free insulin shots to any newly diabetic students returning to campus.
“Right now, we’re definitely feeling the consequences” said a group of engorged freshmen, all of whom received passive-aggressive texts from their parents telling them to “eat fruits”.
Meanwhile, some are still optimistic about revitalizing the sunken campus infrastructure. “Maybe it’ll fix itself after Spring Break” said Geological Sciences professor Randy Walden, scratching his head. Walden was hired by the administration to “somehow lift the entire campus back to the way it was”. As of this moment, little progress has been made.
Above: Freshmen Alice Anderson and Megan Wallace return to campus after break. Both girls were starters on the club soccer team before break, but suspect they won’t have much time for athletics after the holiday.
Westchester, NY — After weeks of partying, bar hopping, and procrastination, Junior Daniel Kravitz is looking forward to go back home to be put in check by his parents.
Kravitz says, “I feel like I’ve had all this fun, but life needs balance. I’m looking forward to being lectured by my parents on the ills of underage drinking and laziness – I think it will be interesting to look at my life through a different perspective.”
CUNooz has noted similar phenomena in other students whose weeks have “fun” and “drinking” have left their souls feeling empty. Kravitz says, “I’m just really looking forward to being woken up at 8:00am and told to take out the trash – like my dad always says, ‘It builds character.’”
Kravitz hopes to return to campus rejuvenated for finals week after being “set back on the right track.” He continued, “I’m just a college junior; my mom knows exactly what I’m going through right now and exactly what I need. It’s like she’s in school now and not that she graduated 25 years ago.”
CUNooz wishes Kravitz the best of luck when his parents ask him about his prelim grades, if he has a girlfriend, and whether he wants to be homeless when he graduates.
COLLEGETOWN- A green Chevrolet Camaro crashed through the windows of Collegetown Pizza at approximately 1:34 AM, early Saturday morning. As of now, there are only 327 reported injuries, most of which were minor. All the passengers of the car, including 2 males and 14 females, sustained no injuries.
Cayuga Medical Center reported that this is the highest traffic of outpatients that the emergency room has seen since the Avicii concert held in October of 2012. Students praised the high quality of service they received for their injuries.
Despite the serious damage inflicted on the pizza eatery, the owners reopened their establishment the following day. “We’re a little worried about the business we’ll be losing out on during our very busy daytime hours, but we’re really don’t think the giant hole in our storefront will effect our nighttime clientele ” said Rasheed Kudav, CTP’s beloved owner.
The driver of the Camaro, Jeff Smith ’13, a member of the Sigma Upsilon fraternity, was taken into the Ithaca Police Department for questioning. When asked for comment, Mr. Smith stated “Man, I was just trying to cut the line”. Smith was charged with reckless driving and is not allowed within 100 feet of Collegetown Pizza. Smith’s lawyer made a statement that the charges will most likely stand, but he aims to negotiate with the owners of CTP to permit supervised visits between the hours of 1 AM and 3AM.
ITHACA, NY — Following an awkward, prolonged encounter with an unfortunate student, staff at Gannett Health Services were surprised and disgusted to learn that “the clap” was not, in fact, “a fun dance move like ‘the twerks’ that all these kids are into,” as reported by one distraught nurse.
CU Nooz was on scene as the health professionals proceeded to Google “the clap.” Each new page of images was greeted with scandalous squealing from the secretaries, and retching from the doctors, including head physician Dr. Edmund Walsh.
“I just…” Dr. Walsh began, before running a hand through his hair and letting out a prolonged sigh, “I just never thought that the clap was anything more than a groovy little number, like the Charleston or Jitterbug” He then stared at his medical degree for around 20 seconds before shaking his head, shivering, and standing up. As he left, Walsh told CU Nooz, “I gotta go do some thinking.”
Editors note: Since press time, Gannett Health Services has been informed that The Jitterbug is also an STD
“I don’t know where I went wrong,” Grant Zuckerman told Cornell Nooz. Zuckerman, who claimed to have “the next Facebook – a once-in-a-lifetime idea,” was struck by the fact that he was not yet a millionaire.
“I thought I did everything right: I came up with a great idea, told all my friends about it, and told my dad to tell some of his ‘in-the-know’ friends about it. But nobody has written me a check.” Zuckerman, whose idea is a “next-generation website,” lacks any programming skills, but didn’t think that would be a barrier. “I mean, how hard could it be to run Facebook, right?” he said. He has asked a few people if they knew how to code, but says nobody would work for free in exchange for getting in on the ground floor. Scowling, Zuckerman told CU Nooz, “People are so greedy.”
ITHACA- Cornell graduate students have determined new and insightful information about the Gettysburg Address through recent analysis of the original document held in Cornell’s Manuscripts Collection. The team found themselves inspecting the original address while curating the artifact for the anniversary of the Lincoln’s delivery of the speech, held 150 years ago today.
While reviewing the text, history PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang noticed several edits and notes written in in the margins of the document. Yang detailed their findings to CU Nooz. “The first note read ‘Remember to smile for the nice soldier men -Mom’. It wasn’t a lot to go off of, but we eventually figured out that these notes were all written by Abraham Lincoln’s mom, Nancy Lincoln,” explained Yang.
The students soon found the document to be riddled with similar comments. The first line of text, which originally read “Hey guys, remember eighty-seven years ago when…” was crossed out and replaced with, “Say ‘four score and seven years ago.’ It will make you sound more grown up!”
Riley detailed the significance of these findings to CU Nooz “We tend to think of Lincoln as this powerful, iconic speaker, but our new analysis of this documents reveals he was probably real nervous about his big speech” Other notes strewn about the document included “Make sure you comb your beard” and “Wear your big hat so you look important”.
These notes even give insight to the previously unexplained brown smudges on the corner of the document. A final scrawling on the back of the page reads “I packed you a peanut butter and banana sandwich with the crust cut off. Good luck and don’t worry if you mess up. I’m sure no one will even remember this next week. love, mom”
Above: A photo of America’s Sweetheart, Nancy Lincoln
ITHACA- A new Cornell study has found overwhelming evidence the Abraham Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address. Cornell Oral Communication professor Gabriela Baker began this research in anticipation of the 150 year anniversary of the speech held this week. Baker told CU Nooz “I read over the hard copy of his speech, and something just didn’t seem right. Sometimes you just get a feeling about certain submissions.” Baker’s suspicion grew after she submitted the speech transcript to turnitin.com which returned an 100% plagiarism rate. Additionally, when Baker googled “Gettysburg” to find matching resources, she discovered that the speech had been taken nearly word-for-word from the Wikipedia page for Gettysburg Address. “I’m baffled that Lincoln didn’t think he’d get caught doing this,” exclaimed Baker, adding, “Wikipedia isn’t even a reliable source in the first place.” In a press release, the administration has expressed disappointment in Lincoln’s gross violation of academic integrity, but has admitted they are still unsure how to proceed with disciplinary action.
ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an empty pizza box. Ellison described the night as “so much fun.”