ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an empty pizza box. Ellison described the night as “so much fun.”
Author Archives: Nooz Staff
Student Writes Bio Paper in Second Person
ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of the stuff I get is written in the third person. It’s nice to see someone mix it up. Sometimes the craziest storytelling techniques work best.” Harrison looks forward to writing his paper on micro-evolution in non-chronological order to “really play around with the subject” and “keep readers on their toes.”
Above: Jacob’s prized workstation, which he refers to as his “creative sanctuary”
Cornell in Newark, Detroit Programs Not as Popular as Cornell in Washington
Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their D.C. program for unexplained reasons.
“We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in diverse locations where students would be able to have unique experiences like getting stabbed, mugged, or witnessing a break-in…would be an educational and formative experience that people would enthusiastically enroll in.”
Students participating in the programs also questioned the programs’ unpopularity. “What an awesome experience!” said Kylie Danaher ’15, who is currently participating in the Cornell in Detroit program. “I knew I wanted to to get away from Ithaca for a semester. Being in a city without a police force, or being consistently approached by the same heroin-addicted prostitute…these are character building experiences that I think every Cornellian should experience.”
Specific aspects of the programs which have not drawn students in, as had hoped, include Cornell in Newark’s “Urban Decay” themed Halloween night, Cornell in Detroit’s “Who Needs Police?” parties, and–a fun event at both programs–“hear gunshots outside and crawl under your bed!” game.
Ultimately, Cornell administrators are tasked with figuring out why the university’s program in Washington D.C. is a success, but efforts in Newark and Detroit have failed. “We really have no idea whatsoever,” Vice President Darson said. “We’re literally going to have go to back to the drawing board on this one.”
“I’m thinking that Cornell in Compton would be a huge success, though!” added Danaher.
Above: The Detroit Campus’s Library
Food Science Department Develops More Instagrammable Dishes
This week, Food Science Professor Mark Chang revealed the ground-breaking results from his experiments to produce more “Instragrammable” food. Students in Chang’s graduate-level class FDSC 6350: “#NoFilter, Social Media and Food” helped to create food that looks even better when uploaded to the Internet for friends to see. The National Food Science Review is calling the results, “undoubtedly the biggest breakthrough in the culinary visual arts since the Food Network got an Instagram account. #amazed #cornell #chang #picsoffood #nofilternecessary”.
With Professor Chang’s findings, social media lovers nationwide will be able to access pre-filtered lettuce – from the clichéd Lo-Fi to the more obscure Rise – for their salads or steak that always appears masterfully lit and perfectly cooked. Cornell Student Rachel Fleck ’17 enthusiastically expressed support for Chang’s work. “You see the pictures on Professor Chang’s Instagram feed and it’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen,” she said, “It makes me want the food so badly, but I’m also able to appreciate it for it’s profound beauty.”
When asked what was next for his lab, Professor Chang, who says his daughter’s multiple daily uploads of every single meal fueled his interest in the subject, declared, “I want to make even the ugliest of foods Instagrammable. My dream is to one day see something like toasted bread become a sepia-toned piece of art.”
The world may have to wait for such visually stunning toast, but some of the products from Chang’s previous experiments are expected to hit supermarket shelves in January.
German Language Dept to Overtake Polish Dept’s Office Despite Protest from English Dept
Amidst cries of protest, Cornell’s German Language department is set to move into the Polish Language’s department office space. German Language dept. chair Hanz Friedel told CU Nooz that the department “just needs a bit more elbow room” and that there “should be absolutely no cause for alarm.” While the Polish department has obviously protested the move, the English department vehemently opposes these actions it deems to be “intransigent.” English department chair Giles Bickford told CU Nooz “we think what the German department is doing is absolutely abhorrent;” however, when pressed as to what the English dept. would do, Bickford replied “at the moment, we’re not going to do anything besides voice extreme concern.”
Bickford later explained that part of this concern stemmed from previous actions conducted by the German department. Twenty years ago the German dept attempted to occupy the break room of the Baltic Languages department but was rebuffed by the Russian department. Russian dept. chair Raskov Vilov told Cu Nooz that he was “upset about the German department’s actions in the past,” but would be “more than willing to set past differences aside in [their] common interest of more department space.” The Swiss Culture department offered no comment, wanting to remain neutral on the matter.
All Students Add Courses Successfully
ITHACA, NY – This morning, thousands of undergraduates woke up early to enroll in courses for next semester. According to sources, every single student was able to enroll in every course necessary to graduate on schedule. Each student logged onto the Student Center website promptly at 7 AM, searched for their classes (all of which were open), and added them to their schedule without any conflicting discussion sections or labs.
“This is just a great example of the Cornell administration doing its job” stated Kathy Oberlin, secretary to the Gracefully Omnipotent Preenroll. “They understand the needs of their students, and cater to these needs by crafting the enrollment process through the ideals of undergraduates. A study we conducted in 1865 concluded that most students wake up to hit the fields at 7 AM anyway, so this time was deemed fit for enrollment.”
Freshmen living in High Rise 5 and Jameson wish it to be made explicitly clear that the majority of this year’s success can be accredited to RedRover WiFi, which performed with power and elegance as always. Apparently, the WiFi network did not crash, slow to glacial pace, or violently self-destruct even once.
According to Jacob Anderson (Bio ’16), every class and lab section he needs to be in next semester for PreMed had sufficient seating and no unknown prerequisites. “All my floormates and I are going to take Psych 1101 together” he said, but defeatedly added: “oh shit, it says it’s not offered in the spring.”
Above: Gleeful students gather to log into student center after watching the sun rise
White Guys to Drink in Various Places and Ways
ITHACA- Tonight, a group of between three and eight white males will engage in an amount of alcohol consumption ranging from moderate to excessive. The group will begin drinking beers and shots of liquor between the hours of 9 and 10 pm, often drinking simultaneously. One person in the group will drink significantly more than the others.
After this, the group plans to attend between one and three different parties. Here they will meet demographically similar groups of girls who had engaged in similar earlier activities. They may also play drinking games.
At around midnight the group will go to between one and three different bars in Collegetown, where they will consume more alcohol, and at least one of them will vomit. The group will eat at CTB or CTP directly before or after attending bars.
After these events, some of the group members will have sex, but some will not.
Tomorrow, some of the group members will meet for lunch and enthusiastically discuss the events of tonight as if they were at all unique or interesting.
Student J.A.’ed for Murder
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing work, covered in blood with a bloody baseball bat at his side. At this point, Harris filled out the necessary forms for Hopkins’s referral.
“I hate to be the bad guy, but we have these rules for a reason,” said Harris. “Sometimes I have to be an R.A. first, and a friend second.”
Hopkins is due to meet with Judicial Administrator Mary Beth Grant later this week. When asked for comment, Grant noted that she hadn’t yet reviewed the case, but she anticipated a likely punishment would be “writing an apology letter.”
A thoroughly remorseless Hopkins shrugged off the charges, saying, “I just hope I don’t have to do BASICS. I hear it sucks.” As it is his first offense, Hopkins’s parents will not be notified of the pending disciplinary action.
Law School Breeds Hyper-Intelligent Horse Lawyers
ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen.
According to our source, the training of these equine litigators has been rigorous, and so far each foal can now count by stamping their hoof, bow, and whinny on command. Additionally, each horse retains expert knowledge of the US judicial system.
When asked to comment, the Cornell Law School denied the existence of this project completely, saying “The semen was, in fact, destroyed due to contamination. This is definitely not a cover up for an amusing ploy to bring suspender-clad horses into American courtrooms. That’s just an awesome- I mean awful- idea.”
Campus Homosexuals Feel too Welcome by Cornell Community
Upset with their open-armed inclusion in the Cornell Community, campus homosexuals staged a rally in Ho Plaza yesterday in order to draw attention to issues regarding their acceptance. The rally, organized by Cornell’s chapter of the Gay-Straight Alliance, sought to air grievances with the loving community Cornell has to offer. President of Cornell’s Gay-Straight Alliance Alex Warber told CU Nooz that gay Cornellians were disappointed that “they didn’t encounter the discrimination faced by their peers at similar universities.” Gay student Richard Grey explained to CU Nooz that “being gay at Cornell was simply too easy.”
Grey continued, “When I walk across the Arts Quad holding my boyfriend’s hand I expect to get a few disgusted glares from my peers. Instead, I’m greeted with warm smiles and sorority girls who want to befriend me. Wake up people, this isn’t 2018!” This year, Cornell has spent roughly $40,000 on campus acceptance initiatives.
Students watching the rally felt the Gay-Straight Alliance was misguided in their effort to re-institute sexual and gender prejudices. Straight student Jeff Willings told Nooz that “if we have to start treating the gays poorly we may have to start treating women and minorities poorly too.” Willings told Nooz that “If gay people wanted to be treated poorly they can leave New York and go somewhere less accepting like Texas or Alabama.”