Category Archives: Cornell

Minority Student’s “White Person” Halloween Costume Causes Public Outrage

Racial tensions peaked on Saturday as a minority student thought it would be funny to dress up as a white person for Halloween. The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, has received threats from the majority community. Photos from Facebook reveal that the student, dressed in beige khakis, brown loafers, and a v-neck sweater pulled over a blue button-down, carried around a sign that read, “I’m from a New Jersey suburb.”

“Halloween is not an excuse to be culturally appropriative or racist,” said sophomore Brittany Reed. “The costume wearer can escape confronting the histories and consequences of those stereotypes by taking the costume off. White people cannot; it is their everyday reality.”

“People really need to get out of their racially insensitive bubble. If you just decide to wear a costume because you saw it online and it looked cool, that’s not okay,” remarked Blake Cooper.

In the words of Kathy Zoner, chief of the Cornell University Police Department, “Costumes sometimes temporarily change personalities, and not always for the better.“ This incident comes at the wake of other racial costume controversies at Cornell.

Photo Credit: Bethany Struble and Lookbook

Clocktower Plays “Rains of Castamere” Over Chimes- Campus-Wide Panic Ensues

ITHACA- Last Thursday, the Cornell campus erupted into chaos after McGraw Clocktower played “Rains of Castamere” over chimes. The song, widely associated with The Red Wedding, a horrific slaughter-fest in the hit HBO Series, “Game of Thrones,” could be heard all throughout campus.

“I was just studying in the 7th Floor Stacks of Olin Library when it happened. At first, it kind of slipped my mind, but as soon as I realized what I was hearing, I went into shock,” remarked Jorge Falla ‘15. “I was more in denial than anything else. I mean who would be stupid enough to play that song? Did they not understand the possible ramifications?”

“After the second minute, things got scary. Every person started rushing for the door, trying to escape,” added Falla, explaining “Since everyone was running in the same direction, people thought they were being chased.”

In the Terrace eatery, hysteria ensued as nearly every patron was convinced that they had been poisoned. In the midst of the frenzy, a group of girls, still on-line waiting for their salad, ransacked the counter while throwing plastic knives at the Cornell Dining Staff.

The escalation reached it’s peak in Professor Freyman’s Political Discourse & Violence course. Convinced that Freyman was attempting to massacre the entire lecture hall, the students forcibly grabbed Natalie Roslin, Freyman’s Graduate Student T.A. The students then threatened to slit his T.A.’s throat if he didn’t let them go–to which Freyman responded sternly that he “would find another.”

Hopelessly Foreign Exchange Student Excited for Halloween

ITHACA- Bratslavian student Bohuslav Grergonsk is reportedly very excited to spend his first American Halloween at Cornell. Bohuslav told CU Nooz that he planned to “make good costume of the Breaking Bad or Miley Montanas” in order to share his love of American culture with his fellow classmates. Bohuslav was also hopeful to “do treating tricks” and “tell goat stories,” adding “I have many goat stories.”

The Slovakian Sophomore also hopes to share some of his own traditions from the Bratslavian Halloween equivalent, Day of Wretched Hallows, including “The shoeing of the Rumplewitch” and “eating stew of ghost.”

Above: Bohuslav tries to “make a boo  scare” on his suite-mates.

Cornell to Hire Townies to Improve Internet Service

ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers.

This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire to improve the local unemployment rate. Myrick told CU Nooz, “This plan enables Ithaca to utilize its citizens’ unique talents; nobody else is as prepared as they are to walk around in a counter-clockwise fashion to deliver high-speed internet to students in need.”

Junior Willie Kim says, “I’m just glad they came up with a solution. The townies circulating Olin are a little distracting, but it beats getting disconnected from Facebook every 30 seconds.”

The administration says the plan will be fully implemented at the start of November, after an intense screening process to determine the most qualified candidates. CU Nooz received a sample of the questions to be asked to potential human internet beacons, including “Have you ever been arrested?”, “Do you know which direction counter-clockwise is?”, and “Are you able to remain standing for extended periods of time?”

Freshman Tries Adderall, Totally Loses It

ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time, as he had an overdue problem set and a 6 page paper to write.

Twenty minutes after doing so, McPherson experienced an awakening of both mind and body. His suite-mate, Anthony Jones, who accompanied McPherson in the stacks, recalled hearing “strange, animalistic noises” and upon turning around, witnessed McPherson “sweating profusely” and “blinking rapidly – alarmingly so”. Jones also noted that McPherson was “absolutely tweaking” on his laptop, either tapping the keys much too loudly or clicking the mouse in great excess. Passersby have said that McPherson was caught “vigorously spinning his head” whenever another student walked by his desk.

McPherson could not be reached for comment. “I think he’s going to get more” stated Jones.

Photo courtesy

David Skorton’s Morton’s Steakhouse Big Hit in Ithaca Area

ITHACA – Last night University President David Skorton traded in his suit and tie for a tuxedo and tray of free samples in order to promote his new collegetown dining establishment, an Ithaca branch of the Morton’s Steakhouse chain. Proudly standing outside the restaurant, located at the corner of College and Dryden, Skorton gleefully delivered complimentary ahi tuna sliders to passersby as he encouraged students to come inside and enjoy moderately priced grilled beef, poultry, and seafood fare.

David Skorton adds restaurant entrepreneurship to a long and illustrious career including previous work as a professor at the University of Iowa and President of Cornell University.

The seasoned academic told CU Nooz that an opportunity to own the 82nd establishment of the Morton’s chain, “sprung up out of nowhere” but he “couldn’t resist” this opportunity. Skorton added, “This is a dream come true and by far my proudest career achievement”

New menu items include the Big Red Ribeye, 16 oz Gorge-ous Porterhouse, and the beef tri-state-area-tip.

Photo courtesy

Olin Basement and Third Floor Mann to Hire Bouncers to Better Facilitate Exclusive Social Atmosphere

Beginning in Spring 2014, Cornell Library will be installing bouncers to allow entry into the entrances to both the third floor of Mann Library and the basement of Olin Library.

Some students praised these new changes: “These are much needed improvements,” remarked Human Ecology Junior Heather Feign. “My friends and I love to go to Olin Basement, but there are occasionally those few people that ruin it for everyone. How am I suppose to study when some greasy GDI is distracting me with his incessant reading and writing?”

Other students, such as Kelsey Beringer of Sigma Gamma Kappa Sorority, vehemently oppose these changes. “What do you expect me to do if I get turned down at the door? Everyone knows that Club Mann and The Basement are the only places to study on campus–if you get rejected from both of them, you might as well just stay home and watch Netflix.”

To further the exclusivity of these establishments, both Third Floor Mann and Olin Basement will also be requiring their bouncers to collect a cover charge between the hours of 7-10:30pm Sunday-Wednesday.

Michael Domner, library faculty member explained, “We understand that these changes might deter some of our clientele, but we expect to bring in more of a crowd overall with new events such as “Macbook Only Monday” and “Free Adderall Friday.”

“And as always, patrons can still rent VIP study rooms at an exclusive price if they desire an even more social experience.”

Cornell Activists: McGraw Tower “Too Penis-y”

This week, dozens of activists lined Ho Plaza bearing posters, megaphones, and homemade T-shirts. The subject of their protest: The iconic, and remarkably phallic, McGraw Tower. Protesters handed out quarter cards urging students to pressure administrators to create a “penis-free campus environment,” and to keep “173 foot mega-boners” out of higher education. “It’s disgusting and embarrassing,” said sophomore and organizer Shelly Sanders. “The tower is pictured on letters to alumni and information packets for admitted students — That’s like showing your dick at a job interview!” (A move that this reporter can confirm is mostly unsuccessful).

This is not the first time the University has come under fire for the lewd, misogynistic, and heteronormative nature of its buildings. Just last month, dozens of concerned Cornellians petitioned the board in a push to rename the 88-year-old Willard Straight Hall a more inclusive: Willard “I don’t like labels” Hall. The board, however, refused to hear the issue in a move students are calling “totally gay.”

Despite firm pressure from students, campus authorities have not been receptive of their requests to remove the tower. In a statement released yesterday, the University called the movement an “embarrassment” and its leadership “flaccid.” Students, it seems, are less decided. Al Bishop, a freshman, agreed with the protesters, admitting “whenever I walk to class I feel totally inadequate.”