WESTCHESTER, NY- Freshman Eric Davis reportedly felt absolutely no responsibility to act more like an adult after coming home this weekend for first time since this summer. Davis, now 19, demonstrated a complete lack of personal growth and maturity since high school by assuming his mom would do his laundry, complaining about the contents of the home refrigerator, and spending an excessive amount of time on his laptop and cellphone. Davis plans to spend the remainder of his fall break playing video games, sleeping, and generally acting thankless towards the people who clothed, fed, and housed him for his entire life. Eric’s mother Jessica Davis told CU Nooz how proud she was of Eric, noting how much he’s “grown up” since going off to college.
ITHACA- Thousands of Cornell students and faculty spend yesterday with their loved ones, in order to commemorate events involving a man who was on a boat a very long time ago. All courses were cancelled, and most students’ parents were allowed to take off from work as well. Administration spokesperson Patricia Stevens explained that, “The man driving the boat got lost and this helped America to exist. The only logical way for us to acknowledge this is to grind all academic and professional pursuits to a complete halt for exactly 24 hours. How else can we, as a nation, fully appreciate the fact that that something happened once in history?”
Students look forward to celebrating that fact that some people fought in wars on November 11th and accurately recreating a meal that might have happened once on November 28th.
Edit: Several readers have pointed out that Columbus was, in fact, Italian. You can take your fancy Ivy League education and shove it. We stand firmly by our original appraisal of Columbus’ nationality.
CUNooz: It’s great to sit down with you, Supreme Leader Skorton. What do you think the administration can do to help decrease student loan burdens?
David Skorton (DS): What? (puts on glasses) Who-who are you? How did you get into my house?!?
CUNooz: Ha! That’s what we like to hear. So those new nets have caused quite a stir on campus haven’t they?
DS: Well, we believe that they are the optimal preventative measure-wait why am I even-I’m calling the police.
CUNooz: Good one! Always the jokester… we’ve disconnected your phone line!
DS: My cell phone then.
CUNooz: Smashed to bits! (laughs) Anyway your royal Skortness, how do you think students entering the job market next year can handle the pressure of-
Robin Davisson (Spouse of DS): David?? What’s all that noise? I told you no snacks after midnight!
DS: Honey, go back to sleep!
RD: Who’s there? I hear voices? Is it muggers?
DS: No it’s some journalists, wait-
CUNooz: Technically we’d be burglars, not muggers.
DS: You need to leave.
CUNooz: Awww. Skortiiieee. But why?
DS: You broke into my house at 3 A.M.
CUNooz: Wait just one more question?
DS: (sigh) Fine.
CUNooz: Have you met Obama? Can we have a fall slope day? Do you shave your head because it looks cool or because your balding?
DS: Yes, No, and both.
CUNooz: Thanks for your time Skortster. No further questions.
DS: I hate my job.
Due to under-staffing, all campus libraries and study spaces (other than Carpenter Hall) are now closed. The campus library system is frequented by thousands of students every day. The libraries are mostly used for socializing, sleeping, eating, printing things, and occasionally completing course work.
The decision to close library facilities was poorly received by the student body. “Now where am I supposed to browse Facebook and Buzzfeed?” asked junior Alexa Goldman, who frequents Mann Library.
“Every day I get a large mocha from Libe then sit in the stacks and play candy crush instead of reading my notes for two hours,” complained Sophomore Jenna Richardson “Am I expected to go to Starbucks now? I already get my iced latte there every morning! Besides their coffee is like 30 cents more expensive and the people there are gross,” Richardson added.
The shutdown has led to an influx of reluctant students migrating towards Carpenter hall, the only remaining study space on campus. Engineering students are reportedly upset with the increased amount of social interaction and female persons in Carpenter due to unfamiliarity and fear of both.
The administration has effectively closed the arts quad statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D. White, citing a lack of proper resources available to secure and maintain these historic monuments. Students are prohibited from looking at, sitting near and taking pictures of the statutes, and are discouraged from “enjoying them from a safe distance” according to campus sculpture curator Lisa Doblin. “Students are still allowed to walk across the arts quad with their head down, or they can take a different route through campus if they feel they are unable to comply with these restrictions.”
Doblin added,“That statue by Statler with the dick is still open though. So there’s that.”
The large construction project on Goldwin Smith Hall has been indefinitely put on hold in the wake of the recent administration shutdown.
CU Nooz went down to the site to check on the out-of-work construction personnel, who remained on location eating bagged lunches and cat-calling female students. Construction worker Tony Aioli told Nooz “These guys, the one’s who run this place, let me tell ya, they don’ know what they’re doin’”. Aioli added “And these mooks down in Washington, don’t get me started!”
Meanwhile, student’s could not be more indifferent about the delayed construction. Cornell Senior Jeff Greenman told CU Nooz “Inconvenient construction sites are just something I’ve just gotten used to during my time at Cornell”. Sophomore Ellen Adams was simply confused by the location of the construction site, saying “Wait, the new glass dome thing is gonna be on the side facing the road, so why are all the construction fences on the side facing the arts quad? Like, what is that?”
When asked if the construction would be completed by 2014, site contractor Eddie Focaccia told CU Nooz “Fuget-about-it!”
After a recent vote by the Board of Trustees, the Cornell Administration will undergo a shutdown effective October 7th at 2 p.m. The administration urges students to continue their academic experience normally. It is suspected that the shutdown resulted from the board’s year long attempt to deadlock the Skorton administration out of finalizing changes to the academic calendar.
When asked to comment, President David Skorton told CU Nooz “It is disappointing to me that the people I work with would actively and systematically work to shut down this administration”. Skorton told CU Nooz that the shutdown would end when “we get our shit together.”
Check CU Nooz for up to date coverage on this historic event.
Already on Hold Goldwyn Smith Construction Progress Remains on Hold
In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty.
“This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.”
Since their introduction in the early 1990s, Cornell has assigned official school email addresses, also known as NetIDs, to all faculty, staff, and students at both the undergraduate and graduate level. However, the university issued its last remaining NetID, zzz999@Cornell.edu, to Zachary Zebulon Zellman ’17 shortly after his acceptance into the College of Human Ecology earlier this year. It is estimated that as much as half of the class of ’17 does not have a NetID.
Rumored solutions to the problem have included having students share NetIDs, buying email addresses from other schools, and getting rid of NetIDs entirely. “It simply wouldn’t be fair for some students to have NetIDs and not others,” reasoned Dodds.
In anticipation of being unable to solve the crisis, Cornell is requesting that only those with their own personal email addresses apply for admission to the university next year. At press time, campus participation in extracurricular clubs and Student Assembly elections had dropped to record lows.
In an effort to secure a job after graduation, Carl Collins ’14 indicated “object permanence” as a “Special Skill” on his professional resume. The ability to understand that objects exist even when not being directly observed is believed to be acquired in almost all humans before the age of two, but Collins hopes his potential employers will see it as a unique asset for an already stellar candidate. “I’m really just trying to differentiate myself,” said the senior anthropology major, “The job market isn’t looking too promising right now, so every little bit helps.”
Collins hopes to find a job studying other cultures. As he puts it, “I’m pretty sure that’s what anthropologists are supposed to do.” His focus on the marriage practices of Australian aboriginal tribes is one of the departments the more esoteric concentrations, and Collins has seen first-hand how hard it can be for his peers to find a job. Anthropology department chair Samantha Clarke is well aware of her students’ struggles. When asked about career options for graduating seniors, Clarke laughed and said, “Well, we have some great graduate school options.” It’s an issue that has left liberal arts students desperate all across the country.
Despite the grim outlook, Collins has managed to stay positive. “All I can do is highlight my personal strengths, including object permanence,” he said, “It would be pretty hard to be a workplace leader if I didn’t understand that things exist even when I’m not looking at them. Plus, that’s not all that’s on my resume.” Under “Work Experience,” Collins included his monthly babysitting responsibilities when he’s home for breaks, as well as “homeworker,” which emphasizes his nearly perfect record of completing required class readings. Collins also wrote that he is fluent in English (American or British), and, except for a few incidents, has been successfully potty-trained for over 20 years.
Collins is one of many seniors looking for ways to communicate his skills to employers. He has sent his resume to over one hundred research companies, travel journals, and fast food companies, but has yet to receive any responses. Cornell Career Services, which helps students to write their resumes, denied requests for an interview.
David Gonzales has high aspirations come June 2014. Gonzales, a senior in the school of Industrial & Labor Relations, is “very excited” to embark on the path to becoming an HR professional, an achievement he claims was 21 years in the making. The ILR school is most famously know for teaching its students to read and write. Graduating Summa Cum Laude, Gonzales told Nooz that he has fulfilled lifelong career goals of learning to do “basic math” and has even “dabbled in Microsoft Excel.”
Gonzales has dreamed of being an HR representative since his childhood. Gonzales told us “Ever since I was a kid, I knew this was what I wanted to do. When other kids were playing outside, I’d be sitting inside quietly at a desk pretending to read paperwork.” Gonzales was also the founder, president, and only member of his high school’s Young Human Resources Representative club. Gonzales even fondly recalls dressing up as a severance package for Halloween when he was only twelve.
Gonzales says he is prepared to deal with any challenge he may come across but is mostly excited about giving exit reviews and “teaching interns how to use the coffee machine.” Gonzales’ mother could not be reached for comment; however, his father told CU Nooz that he is “ashamed of ILR” and that “his son is his son no longer.”