Tag Archives: Ithaca

David Skorton’s Morton’s Steakhouse Big Hit in Ithaca Area

ITHACA – Last night University President David Skorton traded in his suit and tie for a tuxedo and tray of free samples in order to promote his new collegetown dining establishment, an Ithaca branch of the Morton’s Steakhouse chain. Proudly standing outside the restaurant, located at the corner of College and Dryden, Skorton gleefully delivered complimentary ahi tuna sliders to passersby as he encouraged students to come inside and enjoy moderately priced grilled beef, poultry, and seafood fare.

David Skorton adds restaurant entrepreneurship to a long and illustrious career including previous work as a professor at the University of Iowa and President of Cornell University.

The seasoned academic told CU Nooz that an opportunity to own the 82nd establishment of the Morton’s chain, “sprung up out of nowhere” but he “couldn’t resist” this opportunity. Skorton added, “This is a dream come true and by far my proudest career achievement”

New menu items include the Big Red Ribeye, 16 oz Gorge-ous Porterhouse, and the beef tri-state-area-tip.

Photo courtesy tripadvisor.com

Cornell Activists: McGraw Tower “Too Penis-y”

This week, dozens of activists lined Ho Plaza bearing posters, megaphones, and homemade T-shirts. The subject of their protest: The iconic, and remarkably phallic, McGraw Tower. Protesters handed out quarter cards urging students to pressure administrators to create a “penis-free campus environment,” and to keep “173 foot mega-boners” out of higher education. “It’s disgusting and embarrassing,” said sophomore and organizer Shelly Sanders. “The tower is pictured on letters to alumni and information packets for admitted students — That’s like showing your dick at a job interview!” (A move that this reporter can confirm is mostly unsuccessful).

This is not the first time the University has come under fire for the lewd, misogynistic, and heteronormative nature of its buildings. Just last month, dozens of concerned Cornellians petitioned the board in a push to rename the 88-year-old Willard Straight Hall a more inclusive: Willard “I don’t like labels” Hall. The board, however, refused to hear the issue in a move students are calling “totally gay.”

Despite firm pressure from students, campus authorities have not been receptive of their requests to remove the tower. In a statement released yesterday, the University called the movement an “embarrassment” and its leadership “flaccid.” Students, it seems, are less decided. Al Bishop, a freshman, agreed with the protesters, admitting “whenever I walk to class I feel totally inadequate.”


Bill Gates “Just About Finished” Building Gates Hall

With the month of December fast approaching, construction on Gates Hall, Cornell’s new computer science building, is coming to a close. Bill Gates, after whom the new building is named, has been working hard and tirelessly on the project since its inception early last year, and is glad to see it finally completed after all these months of hard labor on the construction site.

“It’s been a real journey,” said the multibillionaire entrepreneur as he threw down his pickaxe, “I never thought I could finish it this quickly, after only seven months, but my time at Microsoft has taught me the value of expedience and hard work. Of course, all that was about computer coding, but that can be applied to construction as well. It’s not that hard.”

The tech mogul first broke ground next to Hoy Field in March of 2012, and described the first few months of work as his most difficult. He struggled with his own ability to dig a giant trench several stories underground, attributing most of the issues to his own back problems, but once he started using a shovel, everything became much easier.

By the end of summer 2012, Gates had managed to buy all the I-beams, bolts, cement and glass for the structure that he could find at Home Depot, and set to work building the edifice. After he nailed together most of the framework, the philanthropist laid the electrical and groundwork. Now, the building is nearing completion, and subject to Gates’ discretion, should be available for classes for next semester.

“All it needs is some furniture, which I’m gonna go run out to Ikea and buy this afternoon,” said Gates, as he sat down, pulled a bologna sandwich out of his lunchbox and began making cat-calls at the women’s volleyball team.

An Intimate Interview with President Skorton

CUNooz: It’s great to sit down with you, Supreme Leader Skorton. What do you think the administration can do to help decrease student loan burdens?

David Skorton (DS): What? (puts on glasses) Who-who are you? How did you get into my house?!?

CUNooz: Ha! That’s what we like to hear. So those new nets have caused quite a stir on campus haven’t they?

DS: Well, we believe that they are the optimal preventative measure-wait why am I even-I’m calling the police.

CUNooz: Good one! Always the jokester… we’ve disconnected your phone line!

DS: My cell phone then.

CUNooz: Smashed to bits! (laughs) Anyway your royal Skortness, how do you think students entering the job market next year can handle the pressure of-

Robin Davisson (Spouse of DS): David?? What’s all that noise? I told you no snacks after midnight!

DS: Honey, go back to sleep!

RD: Who’s there? I hear voices? Is it muggers?

DS: No it’s some journalists, wait-

CUNooz: Technically we’d be burglars, not muggers.

DS: You need to leave.

CUNooz: Awww. Skortiiieee. But why?

DS: You broke into my house at 3 A.M.

CUNooz: Wait just one more question?

DS: (sigh) Fine.

CUNooz: Have you met Obama? Can we have a fall slope day? Do you shave your head because it looks cool or because your balding?

DS: Yes, No, and both.

CUNooz: Thanks for your time Skortster. No further questions.

DS: I hate my job.

Ezrahub Endorsed as Cornell’s most Reputable News Source

The Princeton review collegiate newspaper rankings recently redacted their placement of the Cornell Daily Sun as the number one collegiate news publication, instead replacing it with the critically acclaimed site ezrahub.com.

Princeton review chairman William Tukling explained to CU Nooz, “We reviewed our numbers, and realized no one actually reads the Sun. Meanwhile, thousands of students read Ezrahub for its opinionated, entitled and wildly inaccurate news coverage every day.” Tukling continued by expressing his disappointment in the Sun’s liberal tone, and praising Ezrahub for it’s “creative license” when it comes to the use of both spelling and grammar.

Top posts like Roommate wacks off too much/all the time.. what do>?andJust smashed a legit 9/10 after the bars (srs) (sloot)continue to enlighten and challenge readers with clever wit and calculated rhetoric. Other key discussions like I thought oceanography was easy richly detail the academic trials of our interconnected collegiate experience.

One post by an esteemed site administrator observes that “Ithaca is an economically-impoverished, overly idealistic and hippie-infested shithole,” (link),  voicing bold and important sentiments that the Sun fails to accurately touch upon.

When asked if CU Nooz was in consideration for a spot on the Princeton review list, Tuking replied “No”.

Shutdown Coverage: Okenshield’s Happy Dave to be Replaced with a more Neutral Dave

In light of recent cutbacks on campus employees, beloved Oakenshields worker David “Happy Dave” Stravinsky has been asked to take a leave of absence and will be replaced by another, less enthusiastic employee. Happy Dave has worked as a greeter, card-swiper, and rodent exterminator for Okenshilds since 1973 when he graduated from Cornell University. Dave’s replacement, Dave “Just Ok” Davidson is reportedly “not thrilled” to be moving from his original post as a burrito folder at trillium.

Davidson told CU Nooz, “I’ll do the job, just don’t expect me to come in with a smile on my face.”

Davidson continued by explaining that students can expect to receive a gruff greeting and a head nod at best, maybe even an acknowledging grunt if he is in an especially good mood. Happy Dave, meanwhile, has been spotted on Ho Plaza greeting students and passing out neon quarter cards that simply read, “Have a nice day : )  .”

Ke$ha $hits In Bleachers After Concert

In the wake of last year’s scandal,  audience members were shocked to find Ke$ha defecating on the bleachers of Barton Hall last evening. In holding the concert on a Sunday night, the Cornell Concert Commission sought to reduce hospital transports and minimize the risk of a repeat incident of the bleacher-shitting that occurred during last year’s Avicii concert.

Cornell Concert Commission President David Anders told CU Nooz that he “explicitly told Ke$ha not to go anywhere near the bleachers, let alone shit in them” and “warned her about past sanitary concerns [we’ve] had during concerts.”

Despite CCC’s disapproval of Ke$ha’s actions, some fans are considering the defecation to be a bold and artistic move by the multi-platinum recording artist. Sophomore Carly Emmet explained to CU Nooz, “If you start taking her too seriously, you’re missing the point. Ke$ha is all about having fun. She sings about binge drinking, wears trashy makeup, and sometimes even shits in bleachers. I mean seriously, lighten up. ”

The glittery sequin-filled mass of fecal matter has since been removed from Barton hall. However, trace amounts of the deposit can still be seen scattered throughout campus.

Cornell to Build on Literally Everywhere Possible on Campus

Between the new Gates Hall and the goal of Klarman Hall behind Goldwin Smith, University contractors have been busy with construction for the past few months. And after an ambitious announcement made this past Friday, they have a whole lot more to look forward to.

University officials have drawn up a new plan for campus construction that, in essence, aims to build a building anywhere there is soil, grass, trees, water, bedrock or nature. While some may be shocked at the new development plans, most see it as a healthy extension of Cornell’s current trajectory.

Said University President David J. Skorton in his speech to the Board of Trustees, “The academic atmosphere of Cornell is constricted only by its lack of appropriate edifices which forces the mixing of pure disciplines. When a computer scientist and a mechanical engineer are forced to work under one roof, such an atmosphere cannot be conducive to either party. That is why we intend to create a building not just for every department, but for every major, minor, concentration and elective. “

The deans from all seven colleges lauded Skorton’s words. People from the College of Arts and Sciences have been continually complaining about the wide open spaces on the arts quad that just seem to dumb down their lectures to a primitive level. Engineers believe that, instead of just renovating buildings like Upson Hall, it would be much easier to just build an entirely new building where the quadrangle is and have everyone just move their offices there. And architects are thrilled at the thought of hundreds of new ugly buildings to critique.

When asked if the new project would extend into the residential areas to build newer and nicer dorms for students, Skorton replied “No, all of our aims are for purely academic reasons and do not include dormitories. Besides, the dorms are in fine condition.  Dickson Hall was completed as recently as 1946”

Indeed, the plan sounds like it will turn Cornell’s campus into a venerable academic city. The project includes blueprints for, namely, the new Jefferson Institute for Just Ginkgo Trees on the Ag quad, the Markey Center for Aquatic Life Studies on top of and extending under Beebe Lake, several buildings dedicated to Venezuelan history on the Arts Quad and the Hyatt Center for Napkin Studies adjacent to the Hotel Administration building.

“Because who needs trees when your endowment is larger than the GDP of some third world countries?” continued Skorton.

The project is set to begin construction in early 2014 and continue to 2056. The estimated yearly rise in the cost of tuition due to this project is estimated to be $2,354,587.10.

Bridge Troll used to keep Underage Drinking out of Collegtown

The Cornell Administration has installed a wily bridge troll at the intersection of College and Oak Avenue in an effort to stave off Underclassmen looking to engage in illegal alcohol consumption. CU Nooz spoke to Student Health representative Michelle Kellers who explained: “We really needed a way to prevent students from crossing the bridge into collegetown, and when we found Grunkk [a magical troll] hiding out under Mann Library, we knew we had a viable solution”

Kellers explained that the troll would ask students three questions, at least one in the form of a riddle. Although the questions will vary by student, the troll will ask each and every student whether they are, in fact, 21.”

Keller explained that although ingenious, the plan was not foolproof, stating, “We recognize, that some students could simply lie, outwitting the bumbling troll, but that most freshman possess neither the cunning nor the courage to outsmart Grunkk”.