Campus Sinks 2-3 Inches Into Ground from Students’ Post-Thanksgiving Weight Gain

ITHACA, NY – Cornell administrators were shocked after learning that the entire campus has sunk an estimated 2.67 inches into the ground after the end of Thanksgiving break. Scientists believe that the disaster was caused by students who “disgustingly over-consumed” over the past week. “I haven’t really noticed any changes Read More

327 Injured After Car Crashes Into CTP

COLLEGETOWN- A green Chevrolet Camaro crashed through the windows of Collegetown Pizza at approximately 1:34 AM, early Saturday morning. As of now, there are only 327 reported injuries, most of which were minor. All the passengers of the car, including 2 males and 14 females, sustained no injuries. Cayuga Medical Read More

Research Finds Abraham Lincoln Asked his Mom for Help on Gettysburg Address

ITHACA- Cornell graduate students have determined new and insightful information about the Gettysburg Address through recent analysis of the original document held in Cornell’s Manuscripts Collection. The team found themselves inspecting the original address while curating the artifact for the anniversary of the Lincoln’s delivery of the speech, held 150 Read More

Local Drunk Girl Can’t find Becky

ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 Read More