First Semester AEM Freshman Demands Goldman Sachs Summer Internship

After evaluating the many lucrative opportunities available to AEM majors, Dyson School freshman Jessica Stern decided it was time to let Goldman Sachs know she was ready to intern over the summer at the Wall Street conglomerate.  While Goldman has a strict policy against allowing inexperienced freshmen to intern for them, Jessica believes the skills she’s learned so far in one semester classes like Spreadsheet Modeling AEM 2200 and Management Communication AEM 2700 provide her with more business knowledge than most sophomores, “or may I dare to say, some juniors in Arts.”  She claims Dyson is “like Wharton, but at Cornell, actually, maybe even better than Wharton, yea, better than Wharton.”  Jessica believes her three months experience working at her local arcade/bowling alley back home has provided her with the skills to “effectively manage” and see “financial trends in specific pockets of the economy.”

Another strong point Jessica brings to the table is that if Goldman is foolish enough to pass on the best financial analyst in a “generation,” she’s sure other banks like “B of A” and “JPM” would love to have her at their respective firms.

Arts Quad Statues Reveal Virginity of Student on Date

ITHACA, NY- Crossing between the statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D White, on a date with Tami Carr ’15 Saturday evening, Louis Owens 16’ was surprised to see the two statues stand up, stroll towards one another, and shake hands in the middle of the arts quad.

“This is ridiculous” Owens reportedly stated with a laugh.

Sources say that the ceremony, which only occurs when a virgin crosses between the two statues at exactly midnight, is a way for the founders to congratulate each other on the chastity of Cornell’s students.

“Oh man, these cooky statues think one of us is a virgin.” Owens  said to Carr. “I bet they feel pretty silly now that they realize that both of us have had sex… and are completely competent…sexually…You can go sit back down now statues!”

As of press time, Carr was not responding to Owens’ texts.

Student Reprimanded for Recycling Compostable Utensil in Trillium

ITHACA, NY-The 11:00am rush at the Trillium food court is a scene well known to the student body, rife with eager students clamoring to fit a meal into their busy schedules. But this Tuesday,  simple impatience unraveled into environmental catastrophe, when Duncan McMahon ’15 maliciously and intentionally threw his compostable spoon into the recycling bin with the rest of his yogurt parfait.

Eyewitnesses watched as McMahon committed this unforgivable crime against Mother Earth, ignoring the screams and yells of “Don’t do it!” and “Oh, the humanity!” from passersby. In a stress-filled haste (McMahon had recently received a poor grade on his Environmental Science prelim), Duncan heinously dropped the dangling spoon into the blue receptacle instead of the yellow one as shocked and tearful onlookers watched.

McMahon told CU Nooz, “I’m usually pretty good about what I do with my garbage. Normally at lunch I’ll be like everyone else and spend the at least fifteen minutes figuring out which of my plates, plasticware and other containers go in the recycling, compost or landfill bins. But today I just couldn’t take it.”

McMahon awaits legal charges from the EPA and is expected to leave Cornell within the next month out of shame for his actions.

Restaurant Review: Dunkin’ Donuts Provides Finger-Lickin’ Food to the Finger Lakes

Local eatery Dunkin’ Donuts is bringing world-class food within a few minutes drive from the Cornell campus. The restaurant specializes in “donuts,” or fried circles of batter, usually with a quarter-sized hole in the center. Their form makes them ideal of a quick on-the-go snack, or an elegant dine-in meal.

Steve, a Dunkin’ Donuts employee, exhibited a refreshing humility about the store’s culinary prowess. “It’s just a donut,” he said understatedly. But Ithacans know that these dunkable treats are anything but common. As Katherine Klein ’15 put it, “These donuts are insane. They manage to create such a balance between flavor, texture, and presentation.”

The donuts come in a variety of flavors, including original glazed, chocolate, and – for the more adventurous palate – pink frosting with sprinkles.

One would be remiss to pass up on Dunkin’ Donuts’ stellar coffee program. Your morning or afternoon pick-me-up comes in an array of sizes, with anything from milk to chocolate to Splenda available as a mix-in. Want your coffee cold? Just ask. On one occasion, a companion asked for an “iced coffee,” and the pleasant – but not overly talkative – cashier pour some cold java into a large plastic cup teeming with ice. Quite the revelation.

Dunkin’ Donuts offers quality food for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It is by far the finest restaurant in Ithaca – that rare place where you can find something delicious for everyone.

Dunkin’ Donuts. 205 S Meadow St. 5 thumbs up.

Student Accidentally Calls On-Campus Interviewer “Mom”

ITHACA-Senior Eric Scaley found himself in hot water this morning after accidentally referring to an interviewer as ‘Mom’ during a final-round for a position at a prestigious consulting firm. The interview reportedly began smoothly, until recruiter Jen Ellison, remarked that she was impressed with Scaley’s resume. Scaley eagerly replied “Thanks, Mom!” followed by 15 seconds of deafeningly awkward silence. Scaley attempted to recover by discussing his extracurriculars and previous internships, but the damage had already been done.

Although mild-mannered, Scaley is notorious for such missteps including referring to his Stats professor as “Dad,” and telling a Rebecca Olivers ‘14 “I love you” after hooking up once at a party. As of press time, Scaley has not received a job offer.

Prefrosh Chuckles When “Ho Plaza” is Said Aloud

ITHACA-While visiting campus earlier this week, 18-year-old Jacob Goldstein was confident that his Early Decision application to Cornell would be accepted. However, despite his self-assurance and newly acquired standing as an adult, the Scarsdale High School senior simply could not restrain himself from chuckling when his tour guide welcomed the group to “Ho Plaza”.

“I couldn’t believe it” stated a very disappointed Mr. Goldstein, a reputable dentist in the Scarsdale area. “We thought we raised Jacob better than this,” he added as he comforted his wife, Barbara. According to witnesses, the entire group laughed when the news of Goldstein’s outburst spread, leading to the further embarrassment of the Goldstein family.

When asked for an explanation, Goldstein responded: “I really just had never heard the name of the place said out loud before. See, a ‘ho’ is usually a female with presumably loose morals.” It was immediately explained to Goldstein that everyone got the joke, just no one thought it was funny, and the family promptly departed towards the Statler Hotel.

Campus Sinks 2-3 Inches Into Ground from Students’ Post-Thanksgiving Weight Gain

ITHACA, NY – Cornell administrators were shocked after learning that the entire campus has sunk an estimated 2.67 inches into the ground after the end of Thanksgiving break. Scientists believe that the disaster was caused by students who “disgustingly over-consumed” over the past week.

“I haven’t really noticed any changes around campus” remarked John Clemens ’14, who has resorted to using an electric scooter to travel across the arts quad.

Gannett supervisor Janet Smith blames the holiday season, citing that festive dinners, coupled with the Freshman 15, are “an unstoppable force too powerful to be controlled by mortal beings”. Smith excitedly announced that Gannett would be offering free insulin shots to any newly diabetic students returning to campus.

“Right now, we’re definitely feeling the consequences” said a group of engorged freshmen, all of whom received passive-aggressive texts from their parents telling them to “eat fruits”.

Meanwhile, some are still optimistic about revitalizing the sunken campus infrastructure. “Maybe it’ll fix itself after Spring Break”  said Geological Sciences professor Randy Walden, scratching his head. Walden was hired by the administration to “somehow lift the entire campus back to the way it was”. As of this moment, little progress has been made.

Above: Freshmen Alice Anderson and Megan Wallace return to campus after break. Both girls were starters on the club soccer team before break, but suspect they won’t have much time for athletics after the holiday.

Senior Excited to Go Home for Thanksgiving, Receive Strict Supervision from Parents

Westchester, NY — After weeks of partying, bar hopping, and procrastination, Junior Daniel Kravitz is looking forward to go back home to be put in check by his parents.

Kravitz says, “I feel like I’ve had all this fun, but life needs balance. I’m looking forward to being lectured by my parents on the ills of underage drinking and laziness – I think it will be interesting to look at my life through a different perspective.”

CUNooz has noted similar phenomena in other students whose weeks have “fun” and “drinking” have left their souls feeling empty. Kravitz says, “I’m just really looking forward to being woken up at 8:00am and told to take out the trash – like my dad always says, ‘It builds character.’”

Kravitz hopes to return to campus rejuvenated for finals week after being “set back on the right track.” He continued, “I’m just a college junior; my mom knows exactly what I’m going through right now and exactly what I need. It’s like she’s in school now and not that she graduated 25 years ago.”

CUNooz wishes Kravitz the best of luck when his parents ask him about his prelim grades, if he has a girlfriend, and whether he wants to be homeless when he graduates.

327 Injured After Car Crashes Into CTP

COLLEGETOWN- A green Chevrolet Camaro crashed through the windows of Collegetown Pizza at approximately 1:34 AM, early Saturday morning. As of now, there are only 327 reported injuries, most of which were minor. All the passengers of the car, including 2 males and 14 females, sustained no injuries.

Cayuga Medical Center reported that this is the highest traffic of outpatients that the emergency room has seen since the Avicii concert held in October of 2012. Students praised the high quality of service they received for their injuries.

Despite the serious damage inflicted on the pizza eatery, the owners reopened their establishment the following day. “We’re a little worried about the business we’ll be losing out on during our very busy daytime hours, but we’re really don’t think the giant hole in our storefront will effect our nighttime clientele ” said Rasheed Kudav, CTP’s beloved owner.

The driver of the Camaro, Jeff Smith ’13, a member of the Sigma Upsilon fraternity, was taken into the Ithaca Police Department for questioning. When asked for comment, Mr. Smith stated “Man, I was just trying to cut the line”. Smith was charged with reckless driving and is not allowed within 100 feet of Collegetown Pizza. Smith’s lawyer made a statement that the  charges will most likely stand, but he aims to negotiate with the owners of CTP to permit supervised visits between the hours of 1 AM and 3AM.

Gannett Health Services Distraught to Learn “The Clap” Not Fun Dance Move

ITHACA, NY — Following an awkward, prolonged encounter with an unfortunate student, staff at Gannett Health Services were surprised and disgusted to learn that “the clap” was not, in fact, “a fun dance move like ‘the twerks’ that all these kids are into,” as reported by one distraught nurse.

CU Nooz was on scene as the health professionals proceeded to Google “the clap.” Each new page of images was greeted with scandalous squealing from the secretaries, and retching from the doctors, including head physician Dr. Edmund Walsh.

“I just…” Dr. Walsh began, before running a hand through his hair and letting out a prolonged sigh, “I just never thought that the clap was anything more than a groovy little number, like the Charleston or Jitterbug” He then stared at his medical degree for around 20 seconds before shaking his head, shivering, and standing up. As he left, Walsh told CU Nooz, “I gotta go do some thinking.”

Editors note: Since press time, Gannett Health Services has been informed that The Jitterbug is also an STD