“I don’t know where I went wrong,” Grant Zuckerman told Cornell Nooz. Zuckerman, who claimed to have “the next Facebook – a once-in-a-lifetime idea,” was struck by the fact that he was not yet a millionaire.
“I thought I did everything right: I came up with a great idea, told all my friends about it, and told my dad to tell some of his ‘in-the-know’ friends about it. But nobody has written me a check.” Zuckerman, whose idea is a “next-generation website,” lacks any programming skills, but didn’t think that would be a barrier. “I mean, how hard could it be to run Facebook, right?” he said. He has asked a few people if they knew how to code, but says nobody would work for free in exchange for getting in on the ground floor. Scowling, Zuckerman told CU Nooz, “People are so greedy.”

ITHACA- Cornell graduate students have determined new and insightful information about the Gettysburg Address through recent analysis of the original document held in Cornell’s Manuscripts Collection. The team found themselves inspecting the original address while curating the artifact for the anniversary of the Lincoln’s delivery of the speech, held 150 years ago today.

While reviewing the text, history PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang noticed several edits and notes written in in the margins of the document. Yang detailed their findings to CU Nooz. “The first note read ‘Remember to smile for the nice soldier men -Mom’. It wasn’t a lot to go off of, but we eventually figured out that these notes were all written by Abraham Lincoln’s mom, Nancy Lincoln,” explained Yang.

The students soon found the document to be riddled with similar comments. The first line of text, which originally read “Hey guys, remember eighty-seven years ago when…” was crossed out and replaced with, “Say ‘four score and seven years ago.’ It will make you sound more grown up!”

Riley detailed the significance of these findings to CU Nooz “We tend to think of Lincoln as this powerful, iconic speaker, but our new analysis of this documents reveals he was probably real nervous about his big speech” Other notes strewn about the document included “Make sure you comb your beard” and “Wear your big hat so you look important”.

These notes even give insight to the previously unexplained brown smudges on the corner of the document. A final scrawling on the back of the page reads “I packed you a peanut butter and banana sandwich with the crust cut off. Good luck and don’t worry if you mess up. I’m sure no one will even remember this next week. love,  mom”

Above: A photo of America’s Sweetheart, Nancy Lincoln

ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of the stuff I get is written in the third person. It’s nice to see someone mix it up. Sometimes the craziest storytelling techniques work best.” Harrison looks forward to writing his paper on micro-evolution in non-chronological order to “really play around with the subject” and “keep readers on their toes.”

Above: Jacob’s prized workstation, which he refers to as his “creative sanctuary”

Dr. James B. Maas, who served as the Stephen H. Weiss Presidential Fellow, Professor and past Chairman of Cornell’s Psychology department, returned to campus this morning for the first time in over a year. Maas is best know for his academic and literary work on the psychology of sleep.
Today, at 10:10 am in Bailey Hall, the over 700 students enrolled Psych 1101 watched in disbelief as Prof. Maas took the stage and began to lecture.  Bill, a freshman in Psych 1101 who witnessed Prof. Maas’ return told CU Nooz, “He was just there, you know?  He pushed Professor Pizarro off the stage, and just talked.”  This was the first time Prof. Maas lectured for Psych 1101 in two years after having previously taught the class for 48 years.

James Maas’ appearance was met with thunderous applause before he began to lecture quickly, in what one student described as a “wild ramble,” explained that he had spent the past year hibernating, and that hibernation is the secret to success.  Prof. Maas ran from one side of the stage to the other looking well-rested and glowing as he continued to explain that he was no longer convinced that sleep was just enough, but that humans should hibernate to achieve full rest, relaxation, and maximum alertness during waking hours.  Prof. Maas said to the class, “Sleep deprivation is human for us, but hibernation makes us super human.”
He continued while pounding his fists on the podium, “We will be smarter, happier, and more powerful if we hibernate.”  Prof. Maas did go on to explain that it could take over one year of hibernation to fully recover from the sleep debt the average college student accumulates over four years, this could be even longer for the average Cornell student.  He then unveiled his new book, Hibernate for Success: The Power of Hibernation or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Never be Tired Again, would be on sale after the lecture just outside of Bailey Hall.

Prof. Maas then went behind the curtain of the stage as all of Bailey Hall fell silent, and returned wheeling out a bed with a king sized mattress.  He explained that the mattress was designed by him and a team of scientist to maximize hibernation.  He then proceeded to point at members of the audience and called them up to join him on stage and “feel” the difference of his special mattress.  James Maas then took off his suit to unveil a full one-piece set of footed pajamas, and he climbed into the bed, encouraging all students pursue hibernation in order to achieve success.  Then from the seat of his bed on the stage of Bailey Hall, he called up whoever wished to join him as he began to fall deep into hibernation.

Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their  D.C. program for unexplained reasons.

“We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in diverse locations where students would be able to have unique experiences like getting stabbed, mugged, or witnessing a break-in…would be an educational and formative experience that people would enthusiastically enroll in.”

Students participating in the programs also questioned the programs’ unpopularity. “What an awesome experience!” said Kylie Danaher ’15, who is currently participating in the Cornell in Detroit program. “I knew I wanted to to get away from Ithaca for a semester. Being in a city without a police force, or being consistently approached by the same heroin-addicted prostitute…these are character building experiences that I think every Cornellian should experience.”

Specific aspects of the programs which have not drawn students in, as had hoped, include Cornell in Newark’s “Urban Decay” themed Halloween night,  Cornell in Detroit’s “Who Needs Police?” parties, and–a fun event at both programs–“hear gunshots outside and crawl under your bed!” game.

Ultimately, Cornell administrators are tasked with figuring out why the university’s program in Washington D.C. is a success, but efforts in Newark and Detroit have failed. “We really have no idea whatsoever,” Vice President Darson said. “We’re literally going to have go to back to the drawing board on this one.”

“I’m thinking that Cornell in Compton would be a huge success, though!” added Danaher.

Above: The Detroit Campus’s Library