Student’s were shocked to find a 4,000-word, multi-colored rant in their mailboxes Monday morning. The email, sent around 4:00am, was written by Denice Cassaro, Cornell’s ‎Associate Director for Student Leadership, Engagement and Campus Activities. Cassaro is most well known for sending weekly emails to freshman listing campus and community activities.

Although CU Nooz was not fortunate enough to garner a copy of the email—updates soon to come—sources have explained that the email, written entirely in comic sans, broke down into an incoherent mass of text in which Cassaro admonished students for not participating in community events, addressed the relationship with her father who refused to play board games with her as a child, and described a popular episode of her favorite series, Friends.

As in previous emails, Cassaro began the email with a famous quote by Eleanor B. Roosevelt. Denice Cassaro could not be reached nor found for comment at the time of this posting.

BAKER LAB- As Mrs. Winkler entered the auditorium full of eager CHEM 2070 students, she was met with concerned whispers from the crowd. The 300 murmuring students were silenced only when one of them dared to blurt out the question on everyone’s mind.

“Where’s Mr. Zax today? and who are you?” exclaimed brave freshman Eric Middleton. Winkler responded calmly to this all too familiar inquiry, “I’m Mrs. Winkler, and I’ll be your substitute Professor today.”

Winkler then proceeded to wheel out a cart containing a CRT television and VHS player, before inviting all students to come sit Indian-style around the television set. The students eagerly complied. Many even sang along as the familiar Magic School Bus theme song played before them.

At 11:35, Winkler assigned Betsy Smith to be the snack helper and hand out graham crackers to all students. By the time the educational film ended, most students were too tuckered out to enjoy their snack and many transitioned seamlessly into 11:50 nap time.

“I thought she would be mean and make us have quiet reading time, be she was actually pretty cool.” reflected sophomore Rebecca Clark, adding “I wish Mrs. Winkler could be our professor every day!”

WESTCHESTER, NY- Freshman Eric Davis reportedly felt absolutely no responsibility to act more like an adult after coming home this weekend for first time since this summer. Davis, now 19, demonstrated a complete lack of personal growth and maturity since high school by assuming his mom would do his laundry, complaining about the contents of the home refrigerator, and spending an excessive amount of time on his laptop and cellphone. Davis plans to spend the remainder of his fall break playing video games, sleeping, and generally acting thankless towards the people who clothed, fed, and housed him for his entire life. Eric’s mother Jessica Davis told CU Nooz how proud she was of Eric, noting how much he’s “grown up” since going off to college.

ITHACA- Thousands of Cornell students and faculty spend yesterday with their loved ones, in order to commemorate events involving a man who was on a boat a very long time ago. All courses were cancelled, and most students’ parents were allowed to take off from work as well. Administration spokesperson Patricia Stevens explained that, “The man driving the boat got lost and this helped America to exist. The only logical way for us to acknowledge this is to grind all academic and professional pursuits to a complete halt for exactly 24 hours. How else can we, as a nation, fully appreciate the fact that that something happened once in history?”

Students look forward to celebrating that fact that some people fought in wars on November 11th and accurately recreating a meal that might have happened once on November 28th.

Edit: Several readers have pointed out that Columbus was, in fact, Italian. You can take your fancy Ivy League education and shove it. We stand firmly by our original appraisal of Columbus’ nationality.