Ezrahub Endorsed as Cornell’s most Reputable News Source

The Princeton review collegiate newspaper rankings recently redacted their placement of the Cornell Daily Sun as the number one collegiate news publication, instead replacing it with the critically acclaimed site ezrahub.com.

Princeton review chairman William Tukling explained to CU Nooz, “We reviewed our numbers, and realized no one actually reads the Sun. Meanwhile, thousands of students read Ezrahub for its opinionated, entitled and wildly inaccurate news coverage every day.” Tukling continued by expressing his disappointment in the Sun’s liberal tone, and praising Ezrahub for it’s “creative license” when it comes to the use of both spelling and grammar.

Top posts like Roommate wacks off too much/all the time.. what do>?andJust smashed a legit 9/10 after the bars (srs) (sloot)continue to enlighten and challenge readers with clever wit and calculated rhetoric. Other key discussions like I thought oceanography was easy richly detail the academic trials of our interconnected collegiate experience.

One post by an esteemed site administrator observes that “Ithaca is an economically-impoverished, overly idealistic and hippie-infested shithole,” (link),  voicing bold and important sentiments that the Sun fails to accurately touch upon.

When asked if CU Nooz was in consideration for a spot on the Princeton review list, Tuking replied “No”.

Shutdown Coverage: All Libraries except Carpenter Closed Effective Immediately.

Due to under-staffing, all campus libraries and study spaces (other than Carpenter Hall) are now closed. The campus library system is frequented by thousands of students every day. The libraries are mostly used for socializing, sleeping, eating, printing things, and occasionally completing course work.

The decision to close library facilities was poorly received by the student body. “Now where am I supposed to browse Facebook and Buzzfeed?” asked junior Alexa Goldman, who frequents Mann Library.

“Every day I get a large mocha from Libe then sit in the stacks and play candy crush instead of reading my notes for two hours,” complained Sophomore Jenna Richardson “Am I expected to go to Starbucks now? I already get my iced latte there every morning! Besides their coffee is like 30 cents more expensive and the people there are gross,” Richardson added.

The shutdown has led to an influx of reluctant students migrating towards Carpenter hall, the only remaining study space on campus. Engineering students are reportedly upset with the increased amount of social interaction and female persons in Carpenter due to unfamiliarity and fear of both.

Shutdown Coverage: College landmarks Ezra Cornell And A.D. White Statues Closed

The administration has effectively closed the arts quad statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D. White, citing a lack of proper resources available to secure and maintain these historic monuments. Students are prohibited from looking at, sitting near and taking pictures of the statutes, and are discouraged from “enjoying them from a safe distance” according to campus sculpture curator Lisa Doblin. “Students are still allowed to walk across the arts quad with their head down, or they can take a different route through campus if they feel they are unable to comply with these restrictions.”

Doblin added,“That statue by Statler with the dick is still open though. So there’s that.”

Shutdown Coverage: IPod and Guitar Amp Replace Clock Tower Bells

Due to nonessential labor and upkeep costs, Cornell’s famous chimes have been removed from the clock tower. President Skorton refuses to let the campus go without music, however, telling CUNooz: “I asked my 16-year-old nephew Colin if he had anything to play music on. He said I could use his old ‘amp’, as he just bought a new one for his band with his birthday money.”

Skorton’s secretary, Allie Goldstein, has been assigned the task of compiling a playlist of acceptable music. When questioned, Goldstein promised that the music on deck for play will not deviate from the tunes the Cornell community has grown to love: “I have a couple different bell noises from Youtube to play on the hour. Of course, the main focus has been on getting pop songs from 6 months ago and royalty-free Christmas songs.”

Skorton advises students and faculty to keep an ear out for the change later this week.

Shutdown Coverage: Okenshield’s Happy Dave to be Replaced with a more Neutral Dave

In light of recent cutbacks on campus employees, beloved Oakenshields worker David “Happy Dave” Stravinsky has been asked to take a leave of absence and will be replaced by another, less enthusiastic employee. Happy Dave has worked as a greeter, card-swiper, and rodent exterminator for Okenshilds since 1973 when he graduated from Cornell University. Dave’s replacement, Dave “Just Ok” Davidson is reportedly “not thrilled” to be moving from his original post as a burrito folder at trillium.

Davidson told CU Nooz, “I’ll do the job, just don’t expect me to come in with a smile on my face.”

Davidson continued by explaining that students can expect to receive a gruff greeting and a head nod at best, maybe even an acknowledging grunt if he is in an especially good mood. Happy Dave, meanwhile, has been spotted on Ho Plaza greeting students and passing out neon quarter cards that simply read, “Have a nice day : )  .”

Shutdown Coverage: Already on Hold Goldwyn Smith Construction Progress Remains on Hold

The large construction project on Goldwin Smith Hall has been indefinitely put on hold in the wake of the recent administration shutdown.

CU Nooz went down to the site to check on the out-of-work construction personnel, who remained on location eating bagged lunches and cat-calling female students. Construction worker Tony Aioli told Nooz “These guys, the one’s who run this place, let me tell ya, they don’ know what they’re doin’”. Aioli added “And these mooks down in Washington, don’t get me started!”

Meanwhile, student’s could not be more indifferent about the delayed construction. Cornell Senior Jeff Greenman told CU Nooz “Inconvenient construction sites are just something I’ve just gotten used to during my time at Cornell”. Sophomore Ellen Adams was simply confused by the location of the construction site, saying “Wait, the new glass dome thing is gonna be on the side facing the road, so why are all the construction fences on the side facing the arts quad? Like, what is that?”

When asked if the construction would be completed by 2014, site contractor Eddie Focaccia told CU Nooz “Fuget-about-it!”

BREAKING NOOZ: Cornell Administration Shutdown

After a recent vote by the Board of Trustees, the Cornell Administration will undergo a shutdown effective October 7th at 2 p.m. The administration urges students to continue their academic experience normally. It is suspected that the shutdown resulted from the board’s year long attempt to deadlock the Skorton administration out of finalizing changes to the academic calendar.

When asked to comment, President David Skorton told CU Nooz “It is disappointing to me that the people I work with would actively and systematically work to shut down this administration”. Skorton told CU Nooz that the shutdown would end when “we get our shit together.”

Check CU Nooz for up to date coverage on this historic event.

SHUTDOWN UPDATES:
Already on Hold Goldwyn Smith Construction Progress Remains on Hold

Okenshield’s Happy Dave to be Replaced with a more Neutral Dave

IPod and Guitar Amp Replace Clock Tower Bells

College landmarks Ezra Cornell And A.D. White Statues Closed

All Libraries except Carpenter Closed Effective Immediately.

 

 

 

Harvard Threatens ECAC Shutdown If Not Granted 11 More Historical Hockey Wins Over Cornell

Ted Donato, head coach of the Harvard Men’s Ice Hockey team, has threatened to cut off funding to ECAC, thereby shutting the entire organization down, unless 11 additional historical wins against Cornell are added to Harvard’s record. Such a move would tip Harvard’s total wins over the past 104 years above Cornell’s.

“We have tried, time and time again, to compromise with Cornell, but they have simply refused to change the record,” says Ted Donato. “We are upset that it has come to this, but we have been driven to these extremes in order to get Cornell to reason with us.”

“How the hell is this even a debate???” asks Cornell Men’s Hockey coach, Mike Schafer. “Every single one of those games was played, fair and square. We won ten more games than Harvard, fair and square. Am I crazy to think that they’re out of their fucking minds?? What the hell does it mean for the integrity of College Hockey if one team can alter what was achieved fairly by extorting the whole league?? It’s mind-blowing!”

With an ECAC shutdown looming, neither side shows any signs of backing down.

“I’m really disappointed in both Harvard and Cornell,” says University of Pennsylvania student, Jerry Martin. “You would think that they would be able to achieve a compromise in a civilized manner, but nope. There go our ECAC coaches, ruining things for everyone through their failure to compromise.”

“I would just like to point out,” says Harvard Goaltender Raphael Girard, “That Mike Schafer has called up Yale’s coach Keith Allain in order to negotiate with him about changes to the league’s seeding system, but he has refused to call us about negotiating the record change. I’m just saying, I find that very interesting.”

The stalemate has caused the Ivy League’s record-breakingly low approval rating to fall even further. World-renowned expert reporter on Ivy League affairs, IvyGate, recently reported, “This just further proves that the Ivy League ruins everything about America and should be dissolved. This story comes on the heels of recent reports that the Ivy League is responsible for both the government shutdown and the HIV virus.”

At press time, Mike Schafer was reportedly banging his head against the wall in frustration, while Cornell Goaltender Andy Iles was crying out that he feels like he’s taking crazy pills. In what appears to be an effort at reconciliation, however, Harvard has reduced their demands, saying that they would settle for “only a 7 or 8 win increase.”

Cornell Runs out of NetIDs

In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty.

“This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.”

Since their introduction in the early 1990s, Cornell has assigned official school email addresses, also known as NetIDs, to all faculty, staff, and students at both the undergraduate and graduate level. However, the university issued its last remaining NetID, zzz999@Cornell.edu, to Zachary Zebulon Zellman ’17 shortly after his acceptance into the College of Human Ecology earlier this year. It is estimated that as much as half of the class of ’17 does not have a NetID.

Rumored solutions to the problem have included having students share NetIDs, buying email addresses from other schools, and getting rid of NetIDs entirely. “It simply wouldn’t be fair for some students to have NetIDs and not others,” reasoned Dodds.

In anticipation of being unable to solve the crisis, Cornell is requesting that only those with their own personal email addresses apply for admission to the university next year. At press time, campus participation in extracurricular clubs and Student Assembly elections had dropped to record lows.

Future US Senator Vomits into Fishbowl in Night Already Being Described as “Fuckin’ Crazy”

ITHACA, NY — Cornell Junior James Pratchett, who will win a seat in the US Senate in 2037, capped off a night of drinking at a friend’s house by throwing up into his fishbowl and leaving before he could be confronted about it. On the way home, Pratchett — who will be remembered by his future fellow Senators as a hard-working philanthropist best known for the Feingold-McCain Act of 2045 which dropped unemployment below 5% for the first time in decades — began to pee his name on a lawn, but only made it so far as PRAT- before the owner of the property chased him away.

Eyewitness reports indicate that the Junior arrived at the party just after 11pm. Allegations of severe pre-gaming have been brought forth. Pratchett, who will be hailed as one of the most influential political figures of the 21st century after his death in 2085, then proceeded to move about the party, loudly ranking the women from “Paper Bag” to “I’d do Butt Stuff,” a bold manoeuvre which partygoers will say embodied the kind of untempered honesty Pratchett becomes famous for when he will be launched into the national spotlight in 2042 for calling the Queen of England, Kate Middleton, “a bit dumpy, and way too into weird hats.”

People present towards the end of the party will someday compare Pratchett’s acclaimed speech to the Senate floor in 2063 which will be widely credited for repairing the rift between the Northeastern dixiecrats and the schwarzenegger parties to his rousing appeal to those still remaining at the party to “not let this thing die, and just take the fuckin’ shot already.” After being refused, Pratchett took the shot himself, an indicator of the “hands-on” policy that characterized his tenure in the one of the most powerful organizations in the United States.

The occupant of the unfortunate fishbowl, Big Red Fish, is in critical condition after having his habitat flooded with gastric acid, cheap liquor, and bits of a pizza bagel. His fate is unknown as of press time.