In an effort to secure a job after graduation, Carl Collins ’14 indicated “object permanence” as a “Special Skill” on his professional resume. The ability to understand that objects exist even when not being directly observed is believed to be acquired in almost all humans before the age of two, but Collins hopes his potential employers will see it as a unique asset for an already stellar candidate. “I’m really just trying to differentiate myself,” said the senior anthropology major, “The job market isn’t looking too promising right now, so every little bit helps.”

        Collins hopes to find a job studying other cultures. As he puts it, “I’m pretty sure that’s what anthropologists are supposed to do.” His focus on the marriage practices of Australian aboriginal tribes is one of the departments the more esoteric concentrations, and Collins has seen first-hand how hard it can be for his peers to find a job. Anthropology department chair Samantha Clarke is well aware of her students’ struggles. When asked about career options for graduating seniors, Clarke laughed and said, “Well, we have some great graduate school options.” It’s an issue that has left liberal arts students desperate all across the country.

        Despite the grim outlook, Collins has managed to stay positive. “All I can do is highlight my personal strengths, including object permanence,” he said, “It would be pretty hard to be a workplace leader if I didn’t understand that things exist even when I’m not looking at them. Plus, that’s not all that’s on my resume.” Under “Work Experience,” Collins included his monthly babysitting responsibilities when he’s home for breaks, as well as “homeworker,” which emphasizes his nearly perfect record of completing required class readings. Collins also wrote that he is fluent in English (American or British), and, except for a few incidents, has been successfully potty-trained for over 20 years.

        Collins is one of many seniors looking for ways to communicate his skills to employers. He has sent his resume to over one hundred research companies, travel journals, and fast food companies, but has yet to receive any responses. Cornell Career Services, which helps students to write their resumes, denied requests for an interview.

David Gonzales has high aspirations come June 2014. Gonzales, a senior in the school of Industrial & Labor Relations, is “very excited” to embark on the path to becoming an HR professional, an achievement he claims was 21 years in the making. The ILR school is most famously know for teaching its students to read and write. Graduating Summa Cum Laude, Gonzales told Nooz that he has fulfilled lifelong career goals of learning to do “basic math” and has even “dabbled in Microsoft Excel.”

Gonzales has dreamed of being an HR representative since his childhood. Gonzales told us “Ever since I was a kid, I knew this was what I wanted to do. When other kids were playing outside, I’d be sitting inside quietly at a desk pretending to read paperwork.” Gonzales was also the founder, president, and only member of his high school’s Young Human Resources Representative club. Gonzales even fondly recalls dressing up as a severance package for Halloween when he was only twelve.

Gonzales says he is prepared to deal with any challenge he may come across but is mostly excited about giving exit reviews and “teaching interns how to use the coffee machine.” Gonzales’ mother could not be reached for comment; however, his father told CU Nooz that  he is “ashamed of ILR” and that “his son is his son no longer.”

Seeking to fill a void in science requirements, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is now offering a class on plants. The class was created after several complaints concerning the difficulty of current science requirements. Classes like Bugs and Rocks were apparently “too difficult for most of the Communication and AEM majors taking them” according to college registrar Trisch McDonald. McDonald went on to explain that the goal of CALS was to prepare students for their careers. “We received a lot of complaints from companies like Goldman Sachs and Deloitte that students didn’t know enough about plants.”

Course Professor Jeffrey Damon told Nooz that “by the end of the semester, students will be able to identify and differentiate a tree, a bush, and even a cactus.” Damon went on to tell Nooz, that he’s very excited to teach students the art of recognizing aspects of nature like “tree bark, leaves, and branches.”

Part of the class will include “going outside”, “sitting on grass” and “looking at dirt”. When asked if birds would be covered in the curriculum, Professor Damon respond “No they won’t, birds are not plants.”

A chance find within Cornell University’s archives yielded a stunning discovery yesterday. Under several piles of old documents, a university archive intern found a letter from Ezra Cornell with a new ending to our beloved “Any person any study” quotation. Intern Brittney Ellis noticed that the quote actually read: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study…except for black people and Jews.”

Jewish and Black students on campus expressed concern that they would be removed from the campus. Jewish student Erika Levy told CU Nooz that “I completely understand wanting to abide by what Ezra Cornell originally envisioned.” Levy added that she “was probably transferring to Brandeis or NYU anyway.”

The discovery has sent waves through the Day Hall’s offices. University spokesperson Michelle Landers promptly published a press release that stated “while we do believe that any student should be able to study at Cornell, we also believe in honoring Ezra’s legacy.” Landers went on to tell CU Nooz personally that “the administration has found itself in quite the pickle.”