ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re getting into.”
Palmer noted several serious health violations in his justification for the downgrade. “We have reason to believe the fishbowls were actually previously used as home aquariums, and still may contain remnants of actual habitation by aquatic pets.”
Palmer believes that Wednesday nights are the most dangerous to the public health. Palmer stated. “It’s really difficult to remember which straw is yours. And who knows where those plastic dinosaurs have been? It’s just unsanitary,” he added.
Palmer assured us that the C rating was not too harsh. He said that the worst health risk was the crowdedness, which makes it easy to spread diseases such as mono, typhus, or the common cold. When a CU Nooz correspondent asked Palmer if turning away freshman girls with fake IDs at the door would alleviate crowdedness, he replied: “Oh no, that’s a terrible idea. Nobody wants that. Quit being a cockblock.”