SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position. “I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential Read More

CU NOOZ’S GUIDE TO FINALS

Can’t remember an equation? Just write it on your hand! When attending a professor’s office hours, come prepared with at least 5 questions and bribes. Use fun mnemonic or religious tricks to remember formulas, like SOCATOA or WWJD Vague or long winded responses usually warrant at least half credit. Tear Read More

Cornell Sophomore Hates Harvard; Would Transfer

ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion,  however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,”  but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted Read More