Student too Busy with Finals to Treat Appendicitis

ITHACA, N.Y. – In an effort to save time during finals week, Jesse Garber ‘15 will delay treating her appendicitis in order to review for finals. “I’m just so busy,” she told us. Garber, whose appendix has swollen to the size of a grapefruit and requires immediate medical attention, has a tough battle ahead of her: “I have two finals, a 10-page paper, and a PowerPoint presentation,” she said in a recent interview.

Although her appendix may rupture, releasing harmful bacteria into her abdomen, Garber has no cause for concern. “I started studying the day after classes ended, so I’m pretty ahead of the curve,” stated Garber. Indeed, Garber is very optimistic about her chances of surviving finals week. “One of my finals isn’t cumulative, so I won’t be responsible for as much material. I’m happy that I can attend our last Cornell Consulting Club meeting,” she said, shrugging off severe nausea and violent abdominal spasms. “I already have two unexcused absences.” Garber doubted she would have time to see a doctor, which greatly increases her chances of appendicitis-induced infection and blood poisoning.

Still, Garber reiterated the importance of her business law final. “The professor has a strict no make-up exam policy,” she recounted, only moments away from a possibly lethal appendix rupture. “If I skip the exam for a doctor’s appointment, I’d get a C in the class. That would bring my GPA down to a 3.7, and I need to get into a good grad school.” Garber plans to hopefully see a doctor before she vacations in Aruba next week.

Cornell Students Claim House Compromise Actually A Disagreement about Agreeing to Disagree

ITHACA, NY-A bipartisan compromise was reached in the House of Representatives for the national budget, leaving millions of Americans in shock and disbelief. However, the Cornell Democrats and Republicans are also reaching across party lines to dispel any rumors of agreement in the House. “I can tell you this, they did not agree on anything,” stated Cornell Democrats President Leah Jones ‘14. “They simply disagreed to agree to disagree. There’s a difference.”

Cornell Republicans President Andrew Smith ‘15 explained further: “[Speaker John] Boehner suggested that the House agree to disagree and call it a day. Naturally, both parties refused to agree, and now the liberal media is calling it a ‘compromise.’”

The bill, which includes both not enough and too many spending cuts, is unlikely to pass in the Senate. “If there’s one thing the Senate will agree on, it’s that they simply cannot agree with the House’s disagreement about agreeing to disagree,” said Smith However, Cornellians should keep a positive outlook. When asked to comment about Smith’s statement, Jones simply replied: “I disagree.”

Wines Student Passes Final, Demands End to Boxed Wine

ITHACA, NY-Wines Expert Jeffrey Lerman ‘14 is on a mission to remove boxed wine from all Cornell parties. “Boxed wine is too earthy. The vintage is too oaky,” he claims. Lerman, whose wine expertise includes recently receiving a 75 on his Introduction to Wines final, demands that “enough is enough.” “Boxed wine has no legs, no nose, and no body,” he added. “It’s literally a smelling-challenged, detached head,” Lerman proclaimed, as he chuckled pretentiously to himself.

Lerman recommends that partygoers experiment with their palate while out with friends. “Anybody can slap the bag, but the educated oenophile prefers to slap the 2006 Russian River Valley Pinot Noir.” When asked to elaborate on the recommendation, Lerman flipped through flashcards and deemed the wine “full,” “herbaceous,” and “jammy.” “To be honest, I’m don’t really remember anything about the Pinot. Those were the answers I guessed on the test. That’s okay though, I only needed a 70 to pass.”

Nonetheless, Lerman feels strongly about ending boxed wine once and for all. Continuing to flip through seemingly alphabetized flash cards, Lerman lambasted boxed wine for being too “cloying,” “coarse,” and “cash flow insolvency,” adding that “Franzia clearly lacks liquidity to pay debts as they fall due.” Lerman immediately corrected himself, noting that the final flash card was from his financial accounting studying and was not supposed to be with the wines cards.

Cornell Sophomore Hates Harvard; Would Transfer

ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion,  however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,”  but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca for Boston in a heartbeat.”

“They fucking blow,” Conroy added, busily tapping away at his application essay.  Harvard’s miniscule acceptance rate for transfers – 1.04% , as of 2012 – renders Conroy’s chances of attending his “dream school” closer to a dream than to reality. “Yeah, they don’t admit a lot of transfers, which makes sense because they’re a fucking abysmal institution,” Conroy commented, his face contorting into a scowl of pure, deep-seated hatred.

“But I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”


Following Health Inspection, Level B Must Change Name to Level C

ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re getting into.”

Palmer noted several serious health violations in his justification for the downgrade. “We have reason to believe the fishbowls were actually previously used as home aquariums, and still may contain remnants of actual habitation by aquatic pets.”

Palmer believes that Wednesday nights are the most dangerous to the public health. Palmer stated. “It’s really difficult to remember which straw is yours. And who knows where those plastic dinosaurs have been? It’s just unsanitary,” he added.

Palmer assured us that the C rating was not too harsh. He said that the worst health risk was the crowdedness, which makes it easy to spread diseases such as mono, typhus, or the common cold. When a CU Nooz correspondent asked Palmer if turning away freshman girls with fake IDs at the door would alleviate crowdedness, he replied: “Oh no, that’s a terrible idea. Nobody wants that. Quit being a cockblock.”

Student has that Weird Dream Again

ITHACA, NY- Senior Mike Greensmith woke up at 3:00 am this morning in a cold sweat, confused and flustered by a recurring dream he has experienced over the past month.”It’s the same thing every time,” Greensmith ’14 told CU Nooz, “I’m walking around campus eating this tub of potato salad-I don’t know why- and then I realize I’m three hours late to a final, so I start running. But it’s a dream so I run really slowly, you know? Then I finally get to the lecture hall and everyone turns and stares at me. Also the professor is played by Hugh Grant. Like it’s not Hugh Grant, it’s him playing my professor, like in a movie, but it’s a dream. Yeah so anyway, then I realize I’m not wearing pants, but I go and sit down anyway. And I look at my test and it’s in French, but that’s weird because I’m an Bio major. But then I’m like, oh, shit, I guess I’m actually a French poetry major.  And then my whole family is standing there too. And there just all like ‘Michael, if you don’t pass Hugh Grant’s final French exam, you can’t graduate college’ Oh and the lecture hall is also, like, full of jello, but…” Greensmith continued explaining the dream for another 22 minutes, then spent another 15 minutes discussing what he things “it all means and stuff.” At press time Greensmith had fallen back asleep.

Cornell Senior Accepts “Senior Counselor” Job Offer from Brentwoods Sleep-Away Camp

ITHACA, NY- Josh Erikson ‘14, who was deciding between applying to medical school or continuing his 7-year streak working as a counselor at Brentwoods sleepaway, ultimately decided the latter would be “much more chill.” After being selected group leader last summer, Josh reportedly felt like he had a really strong future with the camp.

“I was just so much more mature than everyone – it’s like they’re all freshman or high schoolers or something,” he laughed. Erikson explains that he initially became a counselor following the final possible year he could be a camper at Brentwoods. “It just made sense that I would continue going there. They said it would be impossible to replace my spirit during color war.”

Will Creighton, director of Brentwoods, said of Erikson, “We’re glad to have Josh back again. He’s always been so enthusiastic about us.” When asked if there were other employees with similar backgrounds, Creighton explained, “it’s unusual for us to have someone come back after they’ve graduated. Most people get more typical jobs, but for some, the real world can be a scary place.” Josh’s salary of just over $2,000 will be supplemented by an allowance from his parents.

Make-up Exams to be Available to All Students Without Excuses

ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of protest from students who have felt the injustice of having to take exams too close to Christmas.

“Its about time they did something about this,” said junior Alex Wellington. “I’ve had years where I had just two exams. One was at the beginning of exam period and one was at the end. I wasn’t able to go home early because of just one final. Tell me how that’s fair.”

While the majority of the student body welcomes the change, some students don’t think it goes far enough.

“Let’s say, for example, I have a lot of exams one year – maybe three,” said a sophomore studying Applied Economics and Management. “Isn’t it possible that the make-up exams themselves coincide? Then we’d be right back where we started.”

Despite these concerns, the policy has support from a diverse group on campus. Even professors recognize the administration for its positive change.

“This is good for our students,” said an associate professor of mathematics. “Even if it means having to leave my house more than once in the month of December.”

BREAKING: Study Week Cancelled Due to Snow

All studying will officially be cancelled as of 1:45pm on Monday, according to an email sent out to the Cornell community from the Office of the Provost:

“We understand that Study Week and Finals are very important. But the accumulation of almost 2 inches of snow has put an unbearable burden on our maintenance staff. They just simply do not have the equipment or the experience in dealing with this much snow.”

“We have also determined it is in the best interest of our student body to not risk walking to the library in such adverse weather conditions, as such a heavy accumulation of snow can mean unpredictable sidewalk conditions.”

In an attempt to keep the student body safe, students are encouraged to stay inside, drink hot chocolate and watch Netflix, and are officially forbidden to engage in any form of schoolwork whatsoever.

“If you need to go outside, only do so if you are trying to play in the snow.”

“We really are thinking on our feet here,” the email concluded. “If we need to cancel finals week altogether and give everyone A’s, then we’ll do just that. Stay warm.”

Cornell Store to Add Entire Food Court on Second Floor

ITHACA- Due to the recent success of Cornell Store’s new eatery, Café Jennie, the building’s dining area will be expanded into an entire suburban-mall-style food court next semester. The installment will include a variety of worldly cuisine including a Panda Express, Arby’s, Cinnabon, Sbarro, and another Arby’s. “No one really ever came to the Cornell store after o-week until we opened the café. The next logical step was to open more places to eat in the same building,” explained  store manager Emily Laurence.

Laurence assured CU Nooz of the authenticity of the food court, noting that students can look forward to uncomfortable seating, poor lighting, and 1980’s decor once the project is complete. Overall students seem excited about this new development. “The food court seems like a great place to shamefully eat a corn dog, or for homeless people to go to the bathroom,” noted Sophomore Jenny Garman. However, others are apprehensive about the project. Junior Luke Haber ‘14  told CU Nooz he’s “really disappointed in the lack of variety of dining on campus,” adding, “unless they can promise a Dippin’ Dots machine, a Chick-fil-A, and one of those weird overpriced smoothie bar kiosk things right in the center, I’ll probably only eat at there a few times a week.”