All studying will officially be cancelled as of 1:45pm on Monday, according to an email sent out to the Cornell community from the Office of the Provost:
“We understand that Study Week and Finals are very important. But the accumulation of almost 2 inches of snow has put an unbearable burden on our maintenance staff. They just simply do not have the equipment or the experience in dealing with this much snow.”
“We have also determined it is in the best interest of our student body to not risk walking to the library in such adverse weather conditions, as such a heavy accumulation of snow can mean unpredictable sidewalk conditions.”
In an attempt to keep the student body safe, students are encouraged to stay inside, drink hot chocolate and watch Netflix, and are officially forbidden to engage in any form of schoolwork whatsoever.
“If you need to go outside, only do so if you are trying to play in the snow.”
“We really are thinking on our feet here,” the email concluded. “If we need to cancel finals week altogether and give everyone A’s, then we’ll do just that. Stay warm.”
After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities.
By employing mathematical models and indexes including the “Golden Guy-to-Girl Ratio” and the “How-Many-Brothers-Do-You-Have-to-Know-to-Get-in Number”, Cornell statisticians and engineers have created what Skorton claims to be “the fairest and most accurate system possible.”
“We hope this will finally set the record straight for many students who are looking to make informed decisions during rush,” Skorton told CU Nooz in a candid interview. “Never again will a freshman have to ask themselves ‘Is Psi-U actually really better than Sig-Chi?’ Now they will know for sure.”
photo credit: bhef.com
ITHACA- Tonight, a group of between three and eight white males will engage in an amount of alcohol consumption ranging from moderate to excessive. The group will begin drinking beers and shots of liquor between the hours of 9 and 10 pm, often drinking simultaneously. One person in the group will drink significantly more than the others.
After this, the group plans to attend between one and three different parties. Here they will meet demographically similar groups of girls who had engaged in similar earlier activities. They may also play drinking games.
At around midnight the group will go to between one and three different bars in Collegetown, where they will consume more alcohol, and at least one of them will vomit. The group will eat at CTB or CTP directly before or after attending bars.
After these events, some of the group members will have sex, but some will not.
Tomorrow, some of the group members will meet for lunch and enthusiastically discuss the events of tonight as if they were at all unique or interesting.
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing work, covered in blood with a bloody baseball bat at his side. At this point, Harris filled out the necessary forms for Hopkins’s referral.
“I hate to be the bad guy, but we have these rules for a reason,” said Harris. “Sometimes I have to be an R.A. first, and a friend second.”
Hopkins is due to meet with Judicial Administrator Mary Beth Grant later this week. When asked for comment, Grant noted that she hadn’t yet reviewed the case, but she anticipated a likely punishment would be “writing an apology letter.”
A thoroughly remorseless Hopkins shrugged off the charges, saying, “I just hope I don’t have to do BASICS. I hear it sucks.” As it is his first offense, Hopkins’s parents will not be notified of the pending disciplinary action.
ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen.
According to our source, the training of these equine litigators has been rigorous, and so far each foal can now count by stamping their hoof, bow, and whinny on command. Additionally, each horse retains expert knowledge of the US judicial system.
When asked to comment, the Cornell Law School denied the existence of this project completely, saying “The semen was, in fact, destroyed due to contamination. This is definitely not a cover up for an amusing ploy to bring suspender-clad horses into American courtrooms. That’s just an awesome- I mean awful- idea.”
Upset with their open-armed inclusion in the Cornell Community, campus homosexuals staged a rally in Ho Plaza yesterday in order to draw attention to issues regarding their acceptance. The rally, organized by Cornell’s chapter of the Gay-Straight Alliance, sought to air grievances with the loving community Cornell has to offer. President of Cornell’s Gay-Straight Alliance Alex Warber told CU Nooz that gay Cornellians were disappointed that “they didn’t encounter the discrimination faced by their peers at similar universities.” Gay student Richard Grey explained to CU Nooz that “being gay at Cornell was simply too easy.”
Grey continued, “When I walk across the Arts Quad holding my boyfriend’s hand I expect to get a few disgusted glares from my peers. Instead, I’m greeted with warm smiles and sorority girls who want to befriend me. Wake up people, this isn’t 2018!” This year, Cornell has spent roughly $40,000 on campus acceptance initiatives.
Students watching the rally felt the Gay-Straight Alliance was misguided in their effort to re-institute sexual and gender prejudices. Straight student Jeff Willings told Nooz that “if we have to start treating the gays poorly we may have to start treating women and minorities poorly too.” Willings told Nooz that “If gay people wanted to be treated poorly they can leave New York and go somewhere less accepting like Texas or Alabama.”
ITHACA- On today’s wintry November morning, Poppa Skorton rose at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and grim, ready to perform a deed he knew he wouldn’t soon forget. Today was the day pap Davie would take Red Rover out behind the Big Red Barn and bring the sweet creature’s suffering to an end.
“I suppose old Rover was getting on in years, but still, a thing like that ain’t never easy” Skorton told CU Nooz. “I like to think I was just putting her out of her misery, at least that’s what I tell myself.”
At press time, a statement had been released saying that Red Rover had been sent off to a farm in Binghamton, where she has lots of space to run around and play with other internets.
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.”
“Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural plans around his disheveled desk, “When I got here, Cornell had a ton of old buildings. McGraw, Morrill, Olin Library, they’re all great, but they’re made with brick. Brick is out. Atrium is in.”
With the prominence of the relatively-new Physical Sciences Building and Milstein Hall in addition to the under-construction Klarman Hall on East Avenue, Skorton has developed an affinity for covering the old buildings in a glass roofs for aesthetic and re-branding purposes. “No, no, these buildings are only the beginning,” President Skorton said with a mad glint in his eye. “I want to turn the entire campus into an atrium, cover the whole damn thing in glass.”
When confronted by concerns about the ambitions and costs of such a project, Skorton replied, “It’s 2013, baby! Glass is cheap and Cornell construction happens fast. Now’s the time to build to ensure that we remain on the forefront of atrium-based architecture for years to come.” Skorton speculates that the dome will eventually pay for itself, by providing a valuable buffer against cold weather, deer, and Ithaca residents.
ITHACA, NY – Last Tuesday, Freshman Human Development Major, Julia Bowers ‘17, confided to her twitter followers that she may have regrets towards attending school so far north.
She tweeted, “28 degrees in October!? I should have just gone to Duke. #cornellproblems #LayersOnLayersonLayers #CantPee”
A current resident of Richmond, Virginia, Bowers confided that she “might have overlooked the whole cold aspect.”
“I mean, the weather on campus was so beautiful when I visited during Cornell Days in April and people kept saying that Ithaca is gorgeous! Sure, I was warned that upstate New York was cold, but, I figured it couldn’t be that bad. I mean it’s snowed plenty of times where I’m from–sometimes even up to 2 whole inches!”
Bowers continued, “But that’s just it, I’m used to winter in the winter. It’s not even November yet! What’s going to happen in January and February? Am I going to die?”
Bowers is also perplexed by the casual tolerance and acceptance of this weather by her northern born peers.
“’I’ve already got all my winter gear on each morning when I walk to class–my adorable little hat and mittens ensemble, and even my big puffy jacket. But everywhere I see, people are mocking me. Some are just wearing light sweaters and some are even still in shorts!”
Photo Credit: Flickr user lay_d_lay
The bench outside of RPCC brings back many memories for the class of 1974, after which it has been dedicated. Here, alumni of ’74 share their stories:
Daniel Dykeman- “I remember from my days at Cornell that there were just so many benches on Cornell’s campus, but by far that one was my favorite. It was a perfect stone slab on top of two different stone slabs, and for me it was synonymous with freedom.”
Ted Decker- “That bench was where I would sit and eat dinner because none of my friends wanted me to go inside.”
Jessica Schwartz- “Me and my friends made a pact for our four years at Cornell. Every Friday, when we would go to parties on North Campus, we would meet at that bench to make sure each other’s dress was okay, if we knew where we were going and who was bringing what. I will always remember that bench as our beacon, a place where we would go to be together as friends. And then early every Saturday morning we would meet back by the bench and dry heave.”
Austin Coleman- “I had sex on that bench in the middle of winter.”
Austin Coleman’s wife- “Really?”
Austin Coleman- “No.”