ITHACA- A new Cornell study has found overwhelming evidence the Abraham Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address. Cornell Oral Communication professor Gabriela Baker began this research in anticipation of the 150 year anniversary of the speech held this week. Baker told CU Nooz “I read over the hard copy of his speech, and something just didn’t seem right. Sometimes you just get a feeling about certain submissions.” Baker’s suspicion grew after she submitted the speech transcript to turnitin.com which returned an 100% plagiarism rate. Additionally, when Baker googled “Gettysburg” to find matching resources, she discovered that the speech had been taken nearly word-for-word from the Wikipedia page for Gettysburg Address. “I’m baffled that Lincoln didn’t think he’d get caught doing this,” exclaimed Baker, adding, “Wikipedia isn’t even a reliable source in the first place.” In a press release, the administration has expressed disappointment in Lincoln’s gross violation of academic integrity, but has admitted they are still unsure how to proceed with disciplinary action.
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department quarter indicate that it has dismantled all routes to the soup line. The Department of American Studies has announced plans to airlift soup, rolls and BLT’s across the border. Reports indicate that the Russian Department is infuriated by these actions.
This week, Food Science Professor Mark Chang revealed the ground-breaking results from his experiments to produce more “Instragrammable” food. Students in Chang’s graduate-level class FDSC 6350: “#NoFilter, Social Media and Food” helped to create food that looks even better when uploaded to the Internet for friends to see. The National Food Science Review is calling the results, “undoubtedly the biggest breakthrough in the culinary visual arts since the Food Network got an Instagram account. #amazed #cornell #chang #picsoffood #nofilternecessary”.
With Professor Chang’s findings, social media lovers nationwide will be able to access pre-filtered lettuce – from the clichéd Lo-Fi to the more obscure Rise – for their salads or steak that always appears masterfully lit and perfectly cooked. Cornell Student Rachel Fleck ’17 enthusiastically expressed support for Chang’s work. “You see the pictures on Professor Chang’s Instagram feed and it’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen,” she said, “It makes me want the food so badly, but I’m also able to appreciate it for it’s profound beauty.”
When asked what was next for his lab, Professor Chang, who says his daughter’s multiple daily uploads of every single meal fueled his interest in the subject, declared, “I want to make even the ugliest of foods Instagrammable. My dream is to one day see something like toasted bread become a sepia-toned piece of art.”
The world may have to wait for such visually stunning toast, but some of the products from Chang’s previous experiments are expected to hit supermarket shelves in January.
ITHACA, NY – This morning, thousands of undergraduates woke up early to enroll in courses for next semester. According to sources, every single student was able to enroll in every course necessary to graduate on schedule. Each student logged onto the Student Center website promptly at 7 AM, searched for their classes (all of which were open), and added them to their schedule without any conflicting discussion sections or labs.
“This is just a great example of the Cornell administration doing its job” stated Kathy Oberlin, secretary to the Gracefully Omnipotent Preenroll. “They understand the needs of their students, and cater to these needs by crafting the enrollment process through the ideals of undergraduates. A study we conducted in 1865 concluded that most students wake up to hit the fields at 7 AM anyway, so this time was deemed fit for enrollment.”
Freshmen living in High Rise 5 and Jameson wish it to be made explicitly clear that the majority of this year’s success can be accredited to RedRover WiFi, which performed with power and elegance as always. Apparently, the WiFi network did not crash, slow to glacial pace, or violently self-destruct even once.
According to Jacob Anderson (Bio ’16), every class and lab section he needs to be in next semester for PreMed had sufficient seating and no unknown prerequisites. “All my floormates and I are going to take Psych 1101 together” he said, but defeatedly added: “oh shit, it says it’s not offered in the spring.”
Above: Gleeful students gather to log into student center after watching the sun rise
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing work, covered in blood with a bloody baseball bat at his side. At this point, Harris filled out the necessary forms for Hopkins’s referral.
“I hate to be the bad guy, but we have these rules for a reason,” said Harris. “Sometimes I have to be an R.A. first, and a friend second.”
Hopkins is due to meet with Judicial Administrator Mary Beth Grant later this week. When asked for comment, Grant noted that she hadn’t yet reviewed the case, but she anticipated a likely punishment would be “writing an apology letter.”
A thoroughly remorseless Hopkins shrugged off the charges, saying, “I just hope I don’t have to do BASICS. I hear it sucks.” As it is his first offense, Hopkins’s parents will not be notified of the pending disciplinary action.
ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen.
According to our source, the training of these equine litigators has been rigorous, and so far each foal can now count by stamping their hoof, bow, and whinny on command. Additionally, each horse retains expert knowledge of the US judicial system.
When asked to comment, the Cornell Law School denied the existence of this project completely, saying “The semen was, in fact, destroyed due to contamination. This is definitely not a cover up for an amusing ploy to bring suspender-clad horses into American courtrooms. That’s just an awesome- I mean awful- idea.”
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.”
“Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural plans around his disheveled desk, “When I got here, Cornell had a ton of old buildings. McGraw, Morrill, Olin Library, they’re all great, but they’re made with brick. Brick is out. Atrium is in.”
With the prominence of the relatively-new Physical Sciences Building and Milstein Hall in addition to the under-construction Klarman Hall on East Avenue, Skorton has developed an affinity for covering the old buildings in a glass roofs for aesthetic and re-branding purposes. “No, no, these buildings are only the beginning,” President Skorton said with a mad glint in his eye. “I want to turn the entire campus into an atrium, cover the whole damn thing in glass.”
When confronted by concerns about the ambitions and costs of such a project, Skorton replied, “It’s 2013, baby! Glass is cheap and Cornell construction happens fast. Now’s the time to build to ensure that we remain on the forefront of atrium-based architecture for years to come.” Skorton speculates that the dome will eventually pay for itself, by providing a valuable buffer against cold weather, deer, and Ithaca residents.
ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time, as he had an overdue problem set and a 6 page paper to write.
Twenty minutes after doing so, McPherson experienced an awakening of both mind and body. His suite-mate, Anthony Jones, who accompanied McPherson in the stacks, recalled hearing “strange, animalistic noises” and upon turning around, witnessed McPherson “sweating profusely” and “blinking rapidly – alarmingly so”. Jones also noted that McPherson was “absolutely tweaking” on his laptop, either tapping the keys much too loudly or clicking the mouse in great excess. Passersby have said that McPherson was caught “vigorously spinning his head” whenever another student walked by his desk.
McPherson could not be reached for comment. “I think he’s going to get more” stated Jones.
Photo courtesy isportsweb.com
Student’s were shocked to find a 4,000-word, multi-colored rant in their mailboxes Monday morning. The email, sent around 4:00am, was written by Denice Cassaro, Cornell’s Associate Director for Student Leadership, Engagement and Campus Activities. Cassaro is most well known for sending weekly emails to freshman listing campus and community activities.
Although CU Nooz was not fortunate enough to garner a copy of the email—updates soon to come—sources have explained that the email, written entirely in comic sans, broke down into an incoherent mass of text in which Cassaro admonished students for not participating in community events, addressed the relationship with her father who refused to play board games with her as a child, and described a popular episode of her favorite series, Friends.
As in previous emails, Cassaro began the email with a famous quote by Eleanor B. Roosevelt. Denice Cassaro could not be reached nor found for comment at the time of this posting.
BAKER LAB- As Mrs. Winkler entered the auditorium full of eager CHEM 2070 students, she was met with concerned whispers from the crowd. The 300 murmuring students were silenced only when one of them dared to blurt out the question on everyone’s mind.
“Where’s Mr. Zax today? and who are you?” exclaimed brave freshman Eric Middleton. Winkler responded calmly to this all too familiar inquiry, “I’m Mrs. Winkler, and I’ll be your substitute Professor today.”
Winkler then proceeded to wheel out a cart containing a CRT television and VHS player, before inviting all students to come sit Indian-style around the television set. The students eagerly complied. Many even sang along as the familiar Magic School Bus theme song played before them.
At 11:35, Winkler assigned Betsy Smith to be the snack helper and hand out graham crackers to all students. By the time the educational film ended, most students were too tuckered out to enjoy their snack and many transitioned seamlessly into 11:50 nap time.
“I thought she would be mean and make us have quiet reading time, be she was actually pretty cool.” reflected sophomore Rebecca Clark, adding “I wish Mrs. Winkler could be our professor every day!”