ITHACA, NY – This morning, thousands of undergraduates woke up early to enroll in courses for next semester. According to sources, every single student was able to enroll in every course necessary to graduate on schedule. Each student logged onto the Student Center website promptly at 7 AM, searched for their classes (all of which were open), and added them to their schedule without any conflicting discussion sections or labs.
“This is just a great example of the Cornell administration doing its job” stated Kathy Oberlin, secretary to the Gracefully Omnipotent Preenroll. “They understand the needs of their students, and cater to these needs by crafting the enrollment process through the ideals of undergraduates. A study we conducted in 1865 concluded that most students wake up to hit the fields at 7 AM anyway, so this time was deemed fit for enrollment.”
Freshmen living in High Rise 5 and Jameson wish it to be made explicitly clear that the majority of this year’s success can be accredited to RedRover WiFi, which performed with power and elegance as always. Apparently, the WiFi network did not crash, slow to glacial pace, or violently self-destruct even once.
According to Jacob Anderson (Bio ’16), every class and lab section he needs to be in next semester for PreMed had sufficient seating and no unknown prerequisites. “All my floormates and I are going to take Psych 1101 together” he said, but defeatedly added: “oh shit, it says it’s not offered in the spring.”
Above: Gleeful students gather to log into student center after watching the sun rise