CRIME WATCH: Students to Receive Quartercards on Ho Plaza

ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts.

If seen by a vendor, students are cautioned to maintain their distance, avoid eye contact at all costs, and walk swiftly in a calculated path avoiding the vendor. More aggressive vendors may attempt to approach and coerce a student into receiving these “quartercards”, as they are known on the street. If this should happen, students are urged to accept the item, nod apathetically to the vendor, and promptly discard the contraband once out of sight.

Another common trend among today’s vendors is to set up elaborate displays offering food, amusement, or clothing to lure in unsuspecting victims, who are then verbally assaulted as they attempt to partake in the activity. These attacks are known to have resulted in lateness to classes, boredom, and in some rare cases, caring. Students are strongly urged to feign interest in Cornell architecture or stare intently into their cell phones to avoid becoming ensnared by these so-called “tablers”.

Above: A quartercard abuser who has previously suffered extensive injuries falls prey to a vendor.

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