Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.  “Lately I’ve been trying to become more in Read More

Cornell Sophomore Hates Harvard; Would Transfer

ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion,  however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,”  but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted Read More

BREAKING NOOZ—German Department Defeated By English Dept. & Russian Dept: Temple of Zeus Partitioned

After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of  American Studies.  These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Read More

Update: German Language Dept. Tries to Overtake Russian Language Dept. but is Stopped by the Ithaca Winter

Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper Read More

President Skorton Releases Official Fraternity and Sorority Rankings

After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities. By employing Read More

Cornell Activists: McGraw Tower “Too Penis-y”

This week, dozens of activists lined Ho Plaza bearing posters, megaphones, and homemade T-shirts. The subject of their protest: The iconic, and remarkably phallic, McGraw Tower. Protesters handed out quarter cards urging students to pressure administrators to create a “penis-free campus environment,” and to keep “173 foot mega-boners” out of Read More