In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.
“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23. “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!
Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members.
“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!
While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.
ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion, however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,” but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca for Boston in a heartbeat.”
“They fucking blow,” Conroy added, busily tapping away at his application essay. Harvard’s miniscule acceptance rate for transfers – 1.04% , as of 2012 – renders Conroy’s chances of attending his “dream school” closer to a dream than to reality. “Yeah, they don’t admit a lot of transfers, which makes sense because they’re a fucking abysmal institution,” Conroy commented, his face contorting into a scowl of pure, deep-seated hatred.
“But I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”
ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of protest from students who have felt the injustice of having to take exams too close to Christmas.
“Its about time they did something about this,” said junior Alex Wellington. “I’ve had years where I had just two exams. One was at the beginning of exam period and one was at the end. I wasn’t able to go home early because of just one final. Tell me how that’s fair.”
While the majority of the student body welcomes the change, some students don’t think it goes far enough.
“Let’s say, for example, I have a lot of exams one year – maybe three,” said a sophomore studying Applied Economics and Management. “Isn’t it possible that the make-up exams themselves coincide? Then we’d be right back where we started.”
Despite these concerns, the policy has support from a diverse group on campus. Even professors recognize the administration for its positive change.
“This is good for our students,” said an associate professor of mathematics. “Even if it means having to leave my house more than once in the month of December.”
Dr. James B. Maas, who served as the Stephen H. Weiss Presidential Fellow, Professor and past Chairman of Cornell’s Psychology department, returned to campus this morning for the first time in over a year. Maas is best know for his academic and literary work on the psychology of sleep.
Today, at 10:10 am in Bailey Hall, the over 700 students enrolled Psych 1101 watched in disbelief as Prof. Maas took the stage and began to lecture. Bill, a freshman in Psych 1101 who witnessed Prof. Maas’ return told CU Nooz, “He was just there, you know? He pushed Professor Pizarro off the stage, and just talked.” This was the first time Prof. Maas lectured for Psych 1101 in two years after having previously taught the class for 48 years.
James Maas’ appearance was met with thunderous applause before he began to lecture quickly, in what one student described as a “wild ramble,” explained that he had spent the past year hibernating, and that hibernation is the secret to success. Prof. Maas ran from one side of the stage to the other looking well-rested and glowing as he continued to explain that he was no longer convinced that sleep was just enough, but that humans should hibernate to achieve full rest, relaxation, and maximum alertness during waking hours. Prof. Maas said to the class, “Sleep deprivation is human for us, but hibernation makes us super human.”
He continued while pounding his fists on the podium, “We will be smarter, happier, and more powerful if we hibernate.” Prof. Maas did go on to explain that it could take over one year of hibernation to fully recover from the sleep debt the average college student accumulates over four years, this could be even longer for the average Cornell student. He then unveiled his new book, Hibernate for Success: The Power of Hibernation or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Never be Tired Again, would be on sale after the lecture just outside of Bailey Hall.
Prof. Maas then went behind the curtain of the stage as all of Bailey Hall fell silent, and returned wheeling out a bed with a king sized mattress. He explained that the mattress was designed by him and a team of scientist to maximize hibernation. He then proceeded to point at members of the audience and called them up to join him on stage and “feel” the difference of his special mattress. James Maas then took off his suit to unveil a full one-piece set of footed pajamas, and he climbed into the bed, encouraging all students pursue hibernation in order to achieve success. Then from the seat of his bed on the stage of Bailey Hall, he called up whoever wished to join him as he began to fall deep into hibernation.
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department quarter indicate that it has dismantled all routes to the soup line. The Department of American Studies has announced plans to airlift soup, rolls and BLT’s across the border. Reports indicate that the Russian Department is infuriated by these actions.
Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.”
German Language dept. chair Hanz Friedel told CU Nooz that “although we wanted more space, the Russian dept. was just too cold.” Friedel’s advisors had warned him that the French Dept. had tried the same move several years ago however such complaints fell upon deaf ears. Friedel later went on to admit that “in hindsight, it was probably a foolish move.” After having failed to move into the Russian Department, the German Languages dept. has been forced to move back into its original space.
ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts.
If seen by a vendor, students are cautioned to maintain their distance, avoid eye contact at all costs, and walk swiftly in a calculated path avoiding the vendor. More aggressive vendors may attempt to approach and coerce a student into receiving these “quartercards”, as they are known on the street. If this should happen, students are urged to accept the item, nod apathetically to the vendor, and promptly discard the contraband once out of sight.
Another common trend among today’s vendors is to set up elaborate displays offering food, amusement, or clothing to lure in unsuspecting victims, who are then verbally assaulted as they attempt to partake in the activity. These attacks are known to have resulted in lateness to classes, boredom, and in some rare cases, caring. Students are strongly urged to feign interest in Cornell architecture or stare intently into their cell phones to avoid becoming ensnared by these so-called “tablers”.
Above: A quartercard abuser who has previously suffered extensive injuries falls prey to a vendor.
After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities.
By employing mathematical models and indexes including the “Golden Guy-to-Girl Ratio” and the “How-Many-Brothers-Do-You-Have-to-Know-to-Get-in Number”, Cornell statisticians and engineers have created what Skorton claims to be “the fairest and most accurate system possible.”
“We hope this will finally set the record straight for many students who are looking to make informed decisions during rush,” Skorton told CU Nooz in a candid interview. “Never again will a freshman have to ask themselves ‘Is Psi-U actually really better than Sig-Chi?’ Now they will know for sure.”
photo credit: bhef.com
This week, dozens of activists lined Ho Plaza bearing posters, megaphones, and homemade T-shirts. The subject of their protest: The iconic, and remarkably phallic, McGraw Tower. Protesters handed out quarter cards urging students to pressure administrators to create a “penis-free campus environment,” and to keep “173 foot mega-boners” out of higher education. “It’s disgusting and embarrassing,” said sophomore and organizer Shelly Sanders. “The tower is pictured on letters to alumni and information packets for admitted students — That’s like showing your dick at a job interview!” (A move that this reporter can confirm is mostly unsuccessful).
This is not the first time the University has come under fire for the lewd, misogynistic, and heteronormative nature of its buildings. Just last month, dozens of concerned Cornellians petitioned the board in a push to rename the 88-year-old Willard Straight Hall a more inclusive: Willard “I don’t like labels” Hall. The board, however, refused to hear the issue in a move students are calling “totally gay.”
Despite firm pressure from students, campus authorities have not been receptive of their requests to remove the tower. In a statement released yesterday, the University called the movement an “embarrassment” and its leadership “flaccid.” Students, it seems, are less decided. Al Bishop, a freshman, agreed with the protesters, admitting “whenever I walk to class I feel totally inadequate.”
ITHACA, NY – After a close vote of 5-4, the Cornell Athletic Department adopted a resolution changing the University’s official mascot to “Wrigley’s Big Red,” a popular cinnamon-flavored chewing gum.
“We thought it would make sense, you know,” said Cornell Athletic Department chairwoman Betty Stevenson, “I mean, why should the University have, like, a bear and be called Big Red at the same time. It didn’t make sense. It confused people.”
The Athletic Department has stated that starting in spring of 2014, Cornell University athletic gear will reflect the change. New uniforms and jerseys will feature the Big Red branding logo along with the name of parent company, “Wrigley’s,” stretched across the top in large letters.
Wrigley’s spokesperson, Rob Fisher, responded positively to the change, “We encourage gum chewing as healthy and tasty way to improve oral health, reduce stress, and increase the metabolism.”
Senior linebacker Doug McDonald also responded positively, “Now when I say our mascot is the Big Red, we actually are Big Red! This is awesome!”