Tag Archives: Sports

Athletic Department Changes Mascot to Pack of Gum

ITHACA, NY – After a close vote of 5-4, the Cornell Athletic Department adopted a resolution changing the University’s official mascot to “Wrigley’s Big Red,” a popular cinnamon-flavored chewing gum.

“We thought it would make sense, you know,” said Cornell Athletic Department chairwoman Betty Stevenson, “I mean, why should the University have, like, a bear and be called Big Red at the same time.  It didn’t make sense. It confused people.”

The Athletic Department has stated that starting in spring of 2014, Cornell University athletic gear will reflect the change. New uniforms and jerseys will feature the Big Red branding logo along with the name of parent company, “Wrigley’s,” stretched across the top in large letters.

Wrigley’s spokesperson, Rob Fisher, responded positively to the change, “We encourage gum chewing as healthy and tasty way to improve oral health, reduce stress, and increase the metabolism.”

Senior linebacker Doug McDonald also responded positively, “Now when I say our mascot is the Big Red, we actually are Big Red! This is awesome!”

Pi Kapp’s “Push For America” Charity Ravaged By Doping Scanadal

This week’s scandal comes in the wake of previous allegations that brothers of Pi Kappa Phi were falsifying their genders to participate in the charity event. Last year, professional cyclist Lance Armstrong was accused of posing as a brother to cycle for the fraternity. Pi Kappa Phi could not be reached for comment; however, Lance Armstrong told CU Nooz that “at this point in his career, he would do anything for a job.” He repeated himself, saying “anything, really anything.”

Harvard Threatens ECAC Shutdown If Not Granted 11 More Historical Hockey Wins Over Cornell

Ted Donato, head coach of the Harvard Men’s Ice Hockey team, has threatened to cut off funding to ECAC, thereby shutting the entire organization down, unless 11 additional historical wins against Cornell are added to Harvard’s record. Such a move would tip Harvard’s total wins over the past 104 years above Cornell’s.

“We have tried, time and time again, to compromise with Cornell, but they have simply refused to change the record,” says Ted Donato. “We are upset that it has come to this, but we have been driven to these extremes in order to get Cornell to reason with us.”

“How the hell is this even a debate???” asks Cornell Men’s Hockey coach, Mike Schafer. “Every single one of those games was played, fair and square. We won ten more games than Harvard, fair and square. Am I crazy to think that they’re out of their fucking minds?? What the hell does it mean for the integrity of College Hockey if one team can alter what was achieved fairly by extorting the whole league?? It’s mind-blowing!”

With an ECAC shutdown looming, neither side shows any signs of backing down.

“I’m really disappointed in both Harvard and Cornell,” says University of Pennsylvania student, Jerry Martin. “You would think that they would be able to achieve a compromise in a civilized manner, but nope. There go our ECAC coaches, ruining things for everyone through their failure to compromise.”

“I would just like to point out,” says Harvard Goaltender Raphael Girard, “That Mike Schafer has called up Yale’s coach Keith Allain in order to negotiate with him about changes to the league’s seeding system, but he has refused to call us about negotiating the record change. I’m just saying, I find that very interesting.”

The stalemate has caused the Ivy League’s record-breakingly low approval rating to fall even further. World-renowned expert reporter on Ivy League affairs, IvyGate, recently reported, “This just further proves that the Ivy League ruins everything about America and should be dissolved. This story comes on the heels of recent reports that the Ivy League is responsible for both the government shutdown and the HIV virus.”

At press time, Mike Schafer was reportedly banging his head against the wall in frustration, while Cornell Goaltender Andy Iles was crying out that he feels like he’s taking crazy pills. In what appears to be an effort at reconciliation, however, Harvard has reduced their demands, saying that they would settle for “only a 7 or 8 win increase.”

Cornell Fraternity Members Forced Freshmen to Play Lacrosse, University Says

Members of Cornell’s Greek System are under University Investigation after
reports have surfaced that freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in order to gain
entry to a series of social events. The Fraternity System is barred from hosting all social
events, mixers, and open parties for the remainder of the first semester, as if
Cornell’s rules regarding hosting freshmen at fraternity events were not bad enough already.

The University first began looking into allegations following a tip from a
sorority member who claimed that before a mixer with the theme Lax Bros and
Preppy Clothes, the freshmen guys were seen playing lacrosse in the backyard of the

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “I was not sure if the
freshmen were trying to be funny, but when I realized that they actually had grass
stains on their shorts and were sweating that the joke had gone too far”.
According to University Reports, there were certain instances where the
freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in such excess that they vomited from

The University is looking to enforce new regulations regarding wearing
protective gear and proper hydration, but for certain members of the Cornell
community this is not enough. The Department of Freshmen Affairs says they will
continue to fight — not for a better education about lacrosse safety, but instead for the
elimination of the game altogether.

Isaac Woodman ’17 says that to make freshmen chase after a rubber ball is
not only inhumane, but publicly having them use terms such as “cradling”, “wand”,
and “spoon” is just too demeaning.