Members of Cornell’s Greek System are under University Investigation after
reports have surfaced that freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in order to gain
entry to a series of social events. The Fraternity System is barred from hosting all social
events, mixers, and open parties for the remainder of the first semester, as if
Cornell’s rules regarding hosting freshmen at fraternity events were not bad enough already.

The University first began looking into allegations following a tip from a
sorority member who claimed that before a mixer with the theme Lax Bros and
Preppy Clothes, the freshmen guys were seen playing lacrosse in the backyard of the
house.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “I was not sure if the
freshmen were trying to be funny, but when I realized that they actually had grass
stains on their shorts and were sweating that the joke had gone too far”.
According to University Reports, there were certain instances where the
freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in such excess that they vomited from
dehydration.

The University is looking to enforce new regulations regarding wearing
protective gear and proper hydration, but for certain members of the Cornell
community this is not enough. The Department of Freshmen Affairs says they will
continue to fight — not for a better education about lacrosse safety, but instead for the
elimination of the game altogether.

Isaac Woodman ’17 says that to make freshmen chase after a rubber ball is
not only inhumane, but publicly having them use terms such as “cradling”, “wand”,
and “spoon” is just too demeaning.

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