October 16, 2013

New Study Determines that Becky is, in Fact, a Bitch

ITHACA- Researchers in Cornell’s Human Development Lab released data this weekend that suggests local student Becky Havers is, in fact, such a bitch. Havers has been known around campus as “a huge skank” and “so full of drama,” however, this information had not been validated until now. Using a variety of data metrics include a content analysis of Havers twitter account and a DNA sample, researchers in the HD lab yielded several conclusions concerning the nature of “Havers’ bitchy personality.”

Lab technician David Sotes told CU Nooz that “we’ve been hearing about this Becky girl for quite some time now so eventually we were just like, what’s her deal?” Lab Lead Jeff Travers told CU Nooz that “there was enough gossip about Ms.Havers floating around Ezra Hub to justify taking a peek at who she is and what she does.” Sotes told CU Nooz that “we can also say with about 95% certainty that Becky is a total cunt, but further research is required to confirm.” He went on to cite several examples including  “this one time when she blew her best friend’s ex in Dunbars” and “another time she used a homophobic slur over twitter. I mean, really classy stuff.”

Researchers hope to use this valuable data to identify a genomic strain known as “the bitch gene”, which could be used to detect future cases of bitch. Sotes explained, “We hope that by identifying this DNA sequence early on in pregnancy, we can give parents the much deserved option of termination.”

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