October 2, 2013

Future US Senator Vomits into Fishbowl in Night Already Being Described as “Fuckin’ Crazy”

ITHACA, NY — Cornell Junior James Pratchett, who will win a seat in the US Senate in 2037, capped off a night of drinking at a friend’s house by throwing up into his fishbowl and leaving before he could be confronted about it. On the way home, Pratchett — who will be remembered by his future fellow Senators as a hard-working philanthropist best known for the Feingold-McCain Act of 2045 which dropped unemployment below 5% for the first time in decades — began to pee his name on a lawn, but only made it so far as PRAT- before the owner of the property chased him away.

Eyewitness reports indicate that the Junior arrived at the party just after 11pm. Allegations of severe pre-gaming have been brought forth. Pratchett, who will be hailed as one of the most influential political figures of the 21st century after his death in 2085, then proceeded to move about the party, loudly ranking the women from “Paper Bag” to “I’d do Butt Stuff,” a bold manoeuvre which partygoers will say embodied the kind of untempered honesty Pratchett becomes famous for when he will be launched into the national spotlight in 2042 for calling the Queen of England, Kate Middleton, “a bit dumpy, and way too into weird hats.”

People present towards the end of the party will someday compare Pratchett’s acclaimed speech to the Senate floor in 2063 which will be widely credited for repairing the rift between the Northeastern dixiecrats and the schwarzenegger parties to his rousing appeal to those still remaining at the party to “not let this thing die, and just take the fuckin’ shot already.” After being refused, Pratchett took the shot himself, an indicator of the “hands-on” policy that characterized his tenure in the one of the most powerful organizations in the United States.

The occupant of the unfortunate fishbowl, Big Red Fish, is in critical condition after having his habitat flooded with gastric acid, cheap liquor, and bits of a pizza bagel. His fate is unknown as of press time.

Like This!