ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion, however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,” but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca for Boston in a heartbeat.”
“They fucking blow,” Conroy added, busily tapping away at his application essay. Harvard’s miniscule acceptance rate for transfers – 1.04% , as of 2012 – renders Conroy’s chances of attending his “dream school” closer to a dream than to reality. “Yeah, they don’t admit a lot of transfers, which makes sense because they’re a fucking abysmal institution,” Conroy commented, his face contorting into a scowl of pure, deep-seated hatred.
“But I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”
After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities.
By employing mathematical models and indexes including the “Golden Guy-to-Girl Ratio” and the “How-Many-Brothers-Do-You-Have-to-Know-to-Get-in Number”, Cornell statisticians and engineers have created what Skorton claims to be “the fairest and most accurate system possible.”
“We hope this will finally set the record straight for many students who are looking to make informed decisions during rush,” Skorton told CU Nooz in a candid interview. “Never again will a freshman have to ask themselves ‘Is Psi-U actually really better than Sig-Chi?’ Now they will know for sure.”
photo credit: bhef.com
ITHACA- Tonight, a group of between three and eight white males will engage in an amount of alcohol consumption ranging from moderate to excessive. The group will begin drinking beers and shots of liquor between the hours of 9 and 10 pm, often drinking simultaneously. One person in the group will drink significantly more than the others.
After this, the group plans to attend between one and three different parties. Here they will meet demographically similar groups of girls who had engaged in similar earlier activities. They may also play drinking games.
At around midnight the group will go to between one and three different bars in Collegetown, where they will consume more alcohol, and at least one of them will vomit. The group will eat at CTB or CTP directly before or after attending bars.
After these events, some of the group members will have sex, but some will not.
Tomorrow, some of the group members will meet for lunch and enthusiastically discuss the events of tonight as if they were at all unique or interesting.
Beginning in Spring 2014, Cornell Library will be installing bouncers to allow entry into the entrances to both the third floor of Mann Library and the basement of Olin Library.
Some students praised these new changes: “These are much needed improvements,” remarked Human Ecology Junior Heather Feign. “My friends and I love to go to Olin Basement, but there are occasionally those few people that ruin it for everyone. How am I suppose to study when some greasy GDI is distracting me with his incessant reading and writing?”
Other students, such as Kelsey Beringer of Sigma Gamma Kappa Sorority, vehemently oppose these changes. “What do you expect me to do if I get turned down at the door? Everyone knows that Club Mann and The Basement are the only places to study on campus–if you get rejected from both of them, you might as well just stay home and watch Netflix.”
To further the exclusivity of these establishments, both Third Floor Mann and Olin Basement will also be requiring their bouncers to collect a cover charge between the hours of 7-10:30pm Sunday-Wednesday.
Michael Domner, library faculty member explained, “We understand that these changes might deter some of our clientele, but we expect to bring in more of a crowd overall with new events such as “Macbook Only Monday” and “Free Adderall Friday.”
“And as always, patrons can still rent VIP study rooms at an exclusive price if they desire an even more social experience.”
ITHACA- Researchers in Cornell’s Human Development Lab released data this weekend that suggests local student Becky Havers is, in fact, such a bitch. Havers has been known around campus as “a huge skank” and “so full of drama,” however, this information had not been validated until now. Using a variety of data metrics include a content analysis of Havers twitter account and a DNA sample, researchers in the HD lab yielded several conclusions concerning the nature of “Havers’ bitchy personality.”
Lab technician David Sotes told CU Nooz that “we’ve been hearing about this Becky girl for quite some time now so eventually we were just like, what’s her deal?” Lab Lead Jeff Travers told CU Nooz that “there was enough gossip about Ms.Havers floating around Ezra Hub to justify taking a peek at who she is and what she does.” Sotes told CU Nooz that “we can also say with about 95% certainty that Becky is a total cunt, but further research is required to confirm.” He went on to cite several examples including “this one time when she blew her best friend’s ex in Dunbars” and “another time she used a homophobic slur over twitter. I mean, really classy stuff.”
Researchers hope to use this valuable data to identify a genomic strain known as “the bitch gene”, which could be used to detect future cases of bitch. Sotes explained, “We hope that by identifying this DNA sequence early on in pregnancy, we can give parents the much deserved option of termination.”
This week’s scandal comes in the wake of previous allegations that brothers of Pi Kappa Phi were falsifying their genders to participate in the charity event. Last year, professional cyclist Lance Armstrong was accused of posing as a brother to cycle for the fraternity. Pi Kappa Phi could not be reached for comment; however, Lance Armstrong told CU Nooz that “at this point in his career, he would do anything for a job.” He repeated himself, saying “anything, really anything.”
ITHACA, NY — Cornell Junior James Pratchett, who will win a seat in the US Senate in 2037, capped off a night of drinking at a friend’s house by throwing up into his fishbowl and leaving before he could be confronted about it. On the way home, Pratchett — who will be remembered by his future fellow Senators as a hard-working philanthropist best known for the Feingold-McCain Act of 2045 which dropped unemployment below 5% for the first time in decades — began to pee his name on a lawn, but only made it so far as PRAT- before the owner of the property chased him away.
Eyewitness reports indicate that the Junior arrived at the party just after 11pm. Allegations of severe pre-gaming have been brought forth. Pratchett, who will be hailed as one of the most influential political figures of the 21st century after his death in 2085, then proceeded to move about the party, loudly ranking the women from “Paper Bag” to “I’d do Butt Stuff,” a bold manoeuvre which partygoers will say embodied the kind of untempered honesty Pratchett becomes famous for when he will be launched into the national spotlight in 2042 for calling the Queen of England, Kate Middleton, “a bit dumpy, and way too into weird hats.”
People present towards the end of the party will someday compare Pratchett’s acclaimed speech to the Senate floor in 2063 which will be widely credited for repairing the rift between the Northeastern dixiecrats and the schwarzenegger parties to his rousing appeal to those still remaining at the party to “not let this thing die, and just take the fuckin’ shot already.” After being refused, Pratchett took the shot himself, an indicator of the “hands-on” policy that characterized his tenure in the one of the most powerful organizations in the United States.
The occupant of the unfortunate fishbowl, Big Red Fish, is in critical condition after having his habitat flooded with gastric acid, cheap liquor, and bits of a pizza bagel. His fate is unknown as of press time.
Members of Cornell’s Greek System are under University Investigation after
reports have surfaced that freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in order to gain
entry to a series of social events. The Fraternity System is barred from hosting all social
events, mixers, and open parties for the remainder of the first semester, as if
Cornell’s rules regarding hosting freshmen at fraternity events were not bad enough already.
The University first began looking into allegations following a tip from a
sorority member who claimed that before a mixer with the theme Lax Bros and
Preppy Clothes, the freshmen guys were seen playing lacrosse in the backyard of the
The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “I was not sure if the
freshmen were trying to be funny, but when I realized that they actually had grass
stains on their shorts and were sweating that the joke had gone too far”.
According to University Reports, there were certain instances where the
freshmen were forced to play lacrosse in such excess that they vomited from
The University is looking to enforce new regulations regarding wearing
protective gear and proper hydration, but for certain members of the Cornell
community this is not enough. The Department of Freshmen Affairs says they will
continue to fight — not for a better education about lacrosse safety, but instead for the
elimination of the game altogether.
Isaac Woodman ’17 says that to make freshmen chase after a rubber ball is
not only inhumane, but publicly having them use terms such as “cradling”, “wand”,
and “spoon” is just too demeaning.
In light of several high profile hazing incidents, leaders of Pan-Hel, IFC and MLGC organizations have moved to educate new members through a unique and creative forum: a musical. The musical will include both original and classic songs in order educate new members on the dangers of hazing at Cornell.
Greg Michaelson, the associate creative director of the Tri-Greek council, told Cornell Nooz that the show would include modern twists on old classics as well as several original numbers. Greg exclaimed “I’m sure songs like Who Turned off the Lights and Don’t put your Finger in there are really going to resonate with new members.” He told us he was especially excited for the dance choreography in the song Take Eric to the Hospital.
The musical, which is expected to cost under $2000 dollars, has been touted by the administration as a “great, educational and fun way to prevent new members from engaging in sexually humiliating and potential life threatening hazing activities”.