October 23, 2013

Olin Basement and Third Floor Mann to Hire Bouncers to Better Facilitate Exclusive Social Atmosphere

Beginning in Spring 2014, Cornell Library will be installing bouncers to allow entry into the entrances to both the third floor of Mann Library and the basement of Olin Library.

Some students praised these new changes: “These are much needed improvements,” remarked Human Ecology Junior Heather Feign. “My friends and I love to go to Olin Basement, but there are occasionally those few people that ruin it for everyone. How am I suppose to study when some greasy GDI is distracting me with his incessant reading and writing?”

Other students, such as Kelsey Beringer of Sigma Gamma Kappa Sorority, vehemently oppose these changes. “What do you expect me to do if I get turned down at the door? Everyone knows that Club Mann and The Basement are the only places to study on campus–if you get rejected from both of them, you might as well just stay home and watch Netflix.”

To further the exclusivity of these establishments, both Third Floor Mann and Olin Basement will also be requiring their bouncers to collect a cover charge between the hours of 7-10:30pm Sunday-Wednesday.

Michael Domner, library faculty member explained, “We understand that these changes might deter some of our clientele, but we expect to bring in more of a crowd overall with new events such as “Macbook Only Monday” and “Free Adderall Friday.”

“And as always, patrons can still rent VIP study rooms at an exclusive price if they desire an even more social experience.”

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