In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.
“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23. “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!
Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members.
“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!
While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.
Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.”
German Language dept. chair Hanz Friedel told CU Nooz that “although we wanted more space, the Russian dept. was just too cold.” Friedel’s advisors had warned him that the French Dept. had tried the same move several years ago however such complaints fell upon deaf ears. Friedel later went on to admit that “in hindsight, it was probably a foolish move.” After having failed to move into the Russian Department, the German Languages dept. has been forced to move back into its original space.
Upset with their open-armed inclusion in the Cornell Community, campus homosexuals staged a rally in Ho Plaza yesterday in order to draw attention to issues regarding their acceptance. The rally, organized by Cornell’s chapter of the Gay-Straight Alliance, sought to air grievances with the loving community Cornell has to offer. President of Cornell’s Gay-Straight Alliance Alex Warber told CU Nooz that gay Cornellians were disappointed that “they didn’t encounter the discrimination faced by their peers at similar universities.” Gay student Richard Grey explained to CU Nooz that “being gay at Cornell was simply too easy.”
Grey continued, “When I walk across the Arts Quad holding my boyfriend’s hand I expect to get a few disgusted glares from my peers. Instead, I’m greeted with warm smiles and sorority girls who want to befriend me. Wake up people, this isn’t 2018!” This year, Cornell has spent roughly $40,000 on campus acceptance initiatives.
Students watching the rally felt the Gay-Straight Alliance was misguided in their effort to re-institute sexual and gender prejudices. Straight student Jeff Willings told Nooz that “if we have to start treating the gays poorly we may have to start treating women and minorities poorly too.” Willings told Nooz that “If gay people wanted to be treated poorly they can leave New York and go somewhere less accepting like Texas or Alabama.”
ITHACA- On today’s wintry November morning, Poppa Skorton rose at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and grim, ready to perform a deed he knew he wouldn’t soon forget. Today was the day pap Davie would take Red Rover out behind the Big Red Barn and bring the sweet creature’s suffering to an end.
“I suppose old Rover was getting on in years, but still, a thing like that ain’t never easy” Skorton told CU Nooz. “I like to think I was just putting her out of her misery, at least that’s what I tell myself.”
At press time, a statement had been released saying that Red Rover had been sent off to a farm in Binghamton, where she has lots of space to run around and play with other internets.
ITHACA, NY – Last Tuesday, Freshman Human Development Major, Julia Bowers ‘17, confided to her twitter followers that she may have regrets towards attending school so far north.
She tweeted, “28 degrees in October!? I should have just gone to Duke. #cornellproblems #LayersOnLayersonLayers #CantPee”
A current resident of Richmond, Virginia, Bowers confided that she “might have overlooked the whole cold aspect.”
“I mean, the weather on campus was so beautiful when I visited during Cornell Days in April and people kept saying that Ithaca is gorgeous! Sure, I was warned that upstate New York was cold, but, I figured it couldn’t be that bad. I mean it’s snowed plenty of times where I’m from–sometimes even up to 2 whole inches!”
Bowers continued, “But that’s just it, I’m used to winter in the winter. It’s not even November yet! What’s going to happen in January and February? Am I going to die?”
Bowers is also perplexed by the casual tolerance and acceptance of this weather by her northern born peers.
“’I’ve already got all my winter gear on each morning when I walk to class–my adorable little hat and mittens ensemble, and even my big puffy jacket. But everywhere I see, people are mocking me. Some are just wearing light sweaters and some are even still in shorts!”
Photo Credit: Flickr user lay_d_lay
The bench outside of RPCC brings back many memories for the class of 1974, after which it has been dedicated. Here, alumni of ’74 share their stories:
Daniel Dykeman- “I remember from my days at Cornell that there were just so many benches on Cornell’s campus, but by far that one was my favorite. It was a perfect stone slab on top of two different stone slabs, and for me it was synonymous with freedom.”
Ted Decker- “That bench was where I would sit and eat dinner because none of my friends wanted me to go inside.”
Jessica Schwartz- “Me and my friends made a pact for our four years at Cornell. Every Friday, when we would go to parties on North Campus, we would meet at that bench to make sure each other’s dress was okay, if we knew where we were going and who was bringing what. I will always remember that bench as our beacon, a place where we would go to be together as friends. And then early every Saturday morning we would meet back by the bench and dry heave.”
Austin Coleman- “I had sex on that bench in the middle of winter.”
Austin Coleman’s wife- “Really?”
Austin Coleman- “No.”
Racial tensions peaked on Saturday as a minority student thought it would be funny to dress up as a white person for Halloween. The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, has received threats from the majority community. Photos from Facebook reveal that the student, dressed in beige khakis, brown loafers, and a v-neck sweater pulled over a blue button-down, carried around a sign that read, “I’m from a New Jersey suburb.”
“Halloween is not an excuse to be culturally appropriative or racist,” said sophomore Brittany Reed. “The costume wearer can escape confronting the histories and consequences of those stereotypes by taking the costume off. White people cannot; it is their everyday reality.”
“People really need to get out of their racially insensitive bubble. If you just decide to wear a costume because you saw it online and it looked cool, that’s not okay,” remarked Blake Cooper.
In the words of Kathy Zoner, chief of the Cornell University Police Department, “Costumes sometimes temporarily change personalities, and not always for the better.“ This incident comes at the wake of other racial costume controversies at Cornell.
Photo Credit: Bethany Struble and Lookbook
ITHACA- Last Thursday, the Cornell campus erupted into chaos after McGraw Clocktower played “Rains of Castamere” over chimes. The song, widely associated with The Red Wedding, a horrific slaughter-fest in the hit HBO Series, “Game of Thrones,” could be heard all throughout campus.
“I was just studying in the 7th Floor Stacks of Olin Library when it happened. At first, it kind of slipped my mind, but as soon as I realized what I was hearing, I went into shock,” remarked Jorge Falla ‘15. “I was more in denial than anything else. I mean who would be stupid enough to play that song? Did they not understand the possible ramifications?”
“After the second minute, things got scary. Every person started rushing for the door, trying to escape,” added Falla, explaining “Since everyone was running in the same direction, people thought they were being chased.”
In the Terrace eatery, hysteria ensued as nearly every patron was convinced that they had been poisoned. In the midst of the frenzy, a group of girls, still on-line waiting for their salad, ransacked the counter while throwing plastic knives at the Cornell Dining Staff.
The escalation reached it’s peak in Professor Freyman’s Political Discourse & Violence course. Convinced that Freyman was attempting to massacre the entire lecture hall, the students forcibly grabbed Natalie Roslin, Freyman’s Graduate Student T.A. The students then threatened to slit his T.A.’s throat if he didn’t let them go–to which Freyman responded sternly that he “would find another.”
ITHACA- Bratslavian student Bohuslav Grergonsk is reportedly very excited to spend his first American Halloween at Cornell. Bohuslav told CU Nooz that he planned to “make good costume of the Breaking Bad or Miley Montanas” in order to share his love of American culture with his fellow classmates. Bohuslav was also hopeful to “do treating tricks” and “tell goat stories,” adding “I have many goat stories.”
The Slovakian Sophomore also hopes to share some of his own traditions from the Bratslavian Halloween equivalent, Day of Wretched Hallows, including “The shoeing of the Rumplewitch” and “eating stew of ghost.”
Above: Bohuslav tries to “make a boo scare” on his suite-mates.
ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers.
This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire to improve the local unemployment rate. Myrick told CU Nooz, “This plan enables Ithaca to utilize its citizens’ unique talents; nobody else is as prepared as they are to walk around in a counter-clockwise fashion to deliver high-speed internet to students in need.”
Junior Willie Kim says, “I’m just glad they came up with a solution. The townies circulating Olin are a little distracting, but it beats getting disconnected from Facebook every 30 seconds.”
The administration says the plan will be fully implemented at the start of November, after an intense screening process to determine the most qualified candidates. CU Nooz received a sample of the questions to be asked to potential human internet beacons, including “Have you ever been arrested?”, “Do you know which direction counter-clockwise is?”, and “Are you able to remain standing for extended periods of time?”