October 31, 2013

Cornell to Hire Townies to Improve Internet Service

ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers.

This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire to improve the local unemployment rate. Myrick told CU Nooz, “This plan enables Ithaca to utilize its citizens’ unique talents; nobody else is as prepared as they are to walk around in a counter-clockwise fashion to deliver high-speed internet to students in need.”

Junior Willie Kim says, “I’m just glad they came up with a solution. The townies circulating Olin are a little distracting, but it beats getting disconnected from Facebook every 30 seconds.”

The administration says the plan will be fully implemented at the start of November, after an intense screening process to determine the most qualified candidates. CU Nooz received a sample of the questions to be asked to potential human internet beacons, including “Have you ever been arrested?”, “Do you know which direction counter-clockwise is?”, and “Are you able to remain standing for extended periods of time?”

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