September 28, 2017

SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position.

“I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential role,” stated the freshman. “I look forward to using the abundant resources and tuition dollars at my disposal to ensure that I make, at most, a very small difference, but probably not even that.”

When asked what inspired their interest in student government, the ambitious student cited their love of ineffective representational systems as their main influence.

“I just love putting a lot of time and effort into something and coming up with absolutely nothing in return. I’m so lucky to be able to practice the skill of getting nothing done as a legislator before I run for office after college.”

When asked about their plan to address on-campus racism, the SA member-to-be commended those fighting for systemic change, adding that they can’t wait to see what they do.

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