Tag Archives: Academics

Cornell to Build on Literally Everywhere Possible on Campus

Between the new Gates Hall and the goal of Klarman Hall behind Goldwin Smith, University contractors have been busy with construction for the past few months. And after an ambitious announcement made this past Friday, they have a whole lot more to look forward to.

University officials have drawn up a new plan for campus construction that, in essence, aims to build a building anywhere there is soil, grass, trees, water, bedrock or nature. While some may be shocked at the new development plans, most see it as a healthy extension of Cornell’s current trajectory.

Said University President David J. Skorton in his speech to the Board of Trustees, “The academic atmosphere of Cornell is constricted only by its lack of appropriate edifices which forces the mixing of pure disciplines. When a computer scientist and a mechanical engineer are forced to work under one roof, such an atmosphere cannot be conducive to either party. That is why we intend to create a building not just for every department, but for every major, minor, concentration and elective. “

The deans from all seven colleges lauded Skorton’s words. People from the College of Arts and Sciences have been continually complaining about the wide open spaces on the arts quad that just seem to dumb down their lectures to a primitive level. Engineers believe that, instead of just renovating buildings like Upson Hall, it would be much easier to just build an entirely new building where the quadrangle is and have everyone just move their offices there. And architects are thrilled at the thought of hundreds of new ugly buildings to critique.

When asked if the new project would extend into the residential areas to build newer and nicer dorms for students, Skorton replied “No, all of our aims are for purely academic reasons and do not include dormitories. Besides, the dorms are in fine condition.  Dickson Hall was completed as recently as 1946”

Indeed, the plan sounds like it will turn Cornell’s campus into a venerable academic city. The project includes blueprints for, namely, the new Jefferson Institute for Just Ginkgo Trees on the Ag quad, the Markey Center for Aquatic Life Studies on top of and extending under Beebe Lake, several buildings dedicated to Venezuelan history on the Arts Quad and the Hyatt Center for Napkin Studies adjacent to the Hotel Administration building.

“Because who needs trees when your endowment is larger than the GDP of some third world countries?” continued Skorton.

The project is set to begin construction in early 2014 and continue to 2056. The estimated yearly rise in the cost of tuition due to this project is estimated to be $2,354,587.10.

University to Offer Course on Plants

Seeking to fill a void in science requirements, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is now offering a class on plants. The class was created after several complaints concerning the difficulty of current science requirements. Classes like Bugs and Rocks were apparently “too difficult for most of the Communication and AEM majors taking them” according to college registrar Trisch McDonald. McDonald went on to explain that the goal of CALS was to prepare students for their careers. “We received a lot of complaints from companies like Goldman Sachs and Deloitte that students didn’t know enough about plants.”

Course Professor Jeffrey Damon told Nooz that “by the end of the semester, students will be able to identify and differentiate a tree, a bush, and even a cactus.” Damon went on to tell Nooz, that he’s very excited to teach students the art of recognizing aspects of nature like “tree bark, leaves, and branches.”

Part of the class will include “going outside”, “sitting on grass” and “looking at dirt”. When asked if birds would be covered in the curriculum, Professor Damon respond “No they won’t, birds are not plants.”

Original Ending Found To “Any Person, Any Study” Quote

A chance find within Cornell University’s archives yielded a stunning discovery yesterday. Under several piles of old documents, a university archive intern found a letter from Ezra Cornell with a new ending to our beloved “Any person any study” quotation. Intern Brittney Ellis noticed that the quote actually read: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study…except for black people and Jews.”

Jewish and Black students on campus expressed concern that they would be removed from the campus. Jewish student Erika Levy told CU Nooz that “I completely understand wanting to abide by what Ezra Cornell originally envisioned.” Levy added that she “was probably transferring to Brandeis or NYU anyway.”

The discovery has sent waves through the Day Hall’s offices. University spokesperson Michelle Landers promptly published a press release that stated “while we do believe that any student should be able to study at Cornell, we also believe in honoring Ezra’s legacy.” Landers went on to tell CU Nooz personally that “the administration has found itself in quite the pickle.”

Op-Ed: How to Nail a Career Fair

Since graduating from Cornell, I’ve accumulated over 3 years of job hunting experience.  I’ve attended career fairs at dozens of institutions across the country and spoken to hundreds of company representatives. My knowledge of the career fair circuit is unparalleled, so with my tips you’ll be well on your way to turning heads at this year’s event.

  • Proficient with Microsoft Office? Prove it. Throw some clip art in that résumé.

  • When it comes to talking to representatives from companies, there’s no such thing as too much touching.

  • Selling yourself is only half the battle. Make sure to point out the weaknesses of other prospective employees as well.

  • Employers are impressed when you know to ask the right questions. Make sure to find out how much money you will make, how much money they make, and whether you will be drug tested.

  • End the conversation on your own terms. It’s best to leave while the person you’re speaking to is mid-sentence.

  • Dress well, but wear something that will stand out. Like a leather jacket. And aviators. Remember, you want them to think you’re cool.

  • Try to connect with your recruiter on a non-superficial level. Find out everything you can about a representative’s family, personal life, and medical history.

  • Appropriate methods of follow up include personal emails, Linked-In, and waiting for them in their car.

  • Need to pad your resume? Just Lie.

  • Do your research in advance. Print out the Wikipedia pages of all relevant companies for easy reference.

  • Let them know you’re up to date on today’s biggest headlines. Buzzfeed is a reliable source that covers important topics like Breaking Bad, Salsa recipes, and 27 Reasons you Might be a 90’s Kid.

  • First impressions are important. Enter with a smoke bomb.

  • Check your phone during conversations so you look busy and involved on campus.

  • Remember, its not about the end result. It’s about enjoying the career fair experience.

Student Who Dreams of Being an Investment Banker Sort Knows What “Leverage” Means

Local Investment Banker-in-the-making Kent Gonzalez allegedly sort of knows what the word “leverage” means.

“It has to do with debt, I know that. And ‘leverage’ sounds like ‘lever’, which you use to balance something, so it’s like balancing the books with debt, right?” says Kent Gonzalez, the student who dreams of one day working for Goldman Sachs or J.P. Morgan. “Or is it more along the lines of weighing the risks of one investment over another, based on debt?”

The local freshmen’s friends say that Kent has been “extremely interested” in banking ever since he watched Oliver Stone’s 1987 classic, Wall Street. He has reportedly been to multiple banking career information sessions on campus since then, which have “reinforced his interest tremendously.”

Wines Class Cancelled After Student Urinates on Professor

In  the wake of a recent mishap, Introduction to Wines has been cancelled until further notice. his move follows an incident from last Wednesday’s lecture, in which a disgruntled and inebriated student urinated on Professor Grabenstein’s leg after learning that he failed an exam. The student, whose name has yet to be released, is currently being detained by CUPD