December 2, 2013

Campus Sinks 2-3 Inches Into Ground from Students’ Post-Thanksgiving Weight Gain

ITHACA, NY – Cornell administrators were shocked after learning that the entire campus has sunk an estimated 2.67 inches into the ground after the end of Thanksgiving break. Scientists believe that the disaster was caused by students who “disgustingly over-consumed” over the past week.

“I haven’t really noticed any changes around campus” remarked John Clemens ’14, who has resorted to using an electric scooter to travel across the arts quad.

Gannett supervisor Janet Smith blames the holiday season, citing that festive dinners, coupled with the Freshman 15, are “an unstoppable force too powerful to be controlled by mortal beings”. Smith excitedly announced that Gannett would be offering free insulin shots to any newly diabetic students returning to campus.

“Right now, we’re definitely feeling the consequences” said a group of engorged freshmen, all of whom received passive-aggressive texts from their parents telling them to “eat fruits”.

Meanwhile, some are still optimistic about revitalizing the sunken campus infrastructure. “Maybe it’ll fix itself after Spring Break”  said Geological Sciences professor Randy Walden, scratching his head. Walden was hired by the administration to “somehow lift the entire campus back to the way it was”. As of this moment, little progress has been made.

Above: Freshmen Alice Anderson and Megan Wallace return to campus after break. Both girls were starters on the club soccer team before break, but suspect they won’t have much time for athletics after the holiday.

Like This!