ITHACA- Thousands of Cornell students and faculty spend yesterday with their loved ones, in order to commemorate events involving a man who was on a boat a very long time ago. All courses were cancelled, and most students’ parents were allowed to take off from work as well. Administration spokesperson Patricia Stevens explained that, “The man driving the boat got lost and this helped America to exist. The only logical way for us to acknowledge this is to grind all academic and professional pursuits to a complete halt for exactly 24 hours. How else can we, as a nation, fully appreciate the fact that that something happened once in history?”
Students look forward to celebrating that fact that some people fought in wars on November 11th and accurately recreating a meal that might have happened once on November 28th.
Edit: Several readers have pointed out that Columbus was, in fact, Italian. You can take your fancy Ivy League education and shove it. We stand firmly by our original appraisal of Columbus’ nationality.